I have learned a lot since this: Hellish Weather By Shaun Clayton SCENE – A lunch room in an office building. BILL, an office worker, limps in, brown bag lunch in hand, obviously in pain. He sits down at a table in the center of the room. He starts opening his bag and taking out the contents. FRANK, another office worker, comes in, also holding a bag, but he has a hard time finding the table as he is blinded, with gauze over his eyes. BILL It’s over here, Frank. FRANK Thanks. FRANK sits down at the table and begins to take out his lunch. A third man comes up to the table, JOHN. He has hooks for hands, with one of the hooks through his bag lunch. JOHN fumbles with the bag and starts tearing it up. He struggles, frustrated to get any sort of handle on things, then gives up when he realizes he isn’t going succeed in getting a hold of his lunch. He sits back in his chair and sighs. BILL You need some help there, John? JOHN No, just forget it. JOHN gets up and walks off. FRANK John trying to eat lunch again? BILL Yeah. FRANK Damn the weather! BILL Yes, the weather is a bastard! FRANK Things were a lot better before the seasons changed. BILL Yeah, it used to be Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. Now it’s Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter Hell and Heaven! FRANK Yeah, and it just so happens that we live in Phoenix, where it’s hardly ever Heaven, but a whole lot of Hell. BILL Right. FRANK Well, I’m sure glad that Indian Hell passed. It was winter, I was jogging, and before I knew it, there was a three headed dog clamped onto my leg and all my ex-girlfriends were at the side of the road, laughing. BILL Oh, that’s nothing. I’m doing some yardwork, and all of a sudden a thousand fishhooks go right into my eyes. Then, while I’m sprawling on the ground, a demon has sex with me while reading a William Shatner book out loud. FRANK Ouch. That really does suck. ERIN (O.S.) Hey guys! FRANK (looks O.S.) Oh Christ, here comes Erin, that bastard. BILL Why is he a bastard? FRANK He was out golfing the other day when a freak Heaven front came in. BILL Bastard! FRANK Shh! Here he comes. ERIN walks in, smile on his face. ERIN Hey, you would not believe what happened to me! BILL You encountered a freak Heaven front while golfing. ERIN Yeah! I was teeing off on the 3rd hole when the Heaven front came in, and I got a hole in one! Then, three beautiful women had sex with me, and became the King of Prussia! It was excellent! Man, I was so disappointed whenthat passed and it was winter again. Damn! BILL (sarcastic) Yeah, gee, Winter’s a bitch. ERIN (sits down) Man, I’m going to move to San Diego, where it’s always Heaven! FRANK Oh, right, like Ted. Yeah, he got his stuff, got on a plane, then right over Yuma, the plane turned into a dragon that ate his soul. BILL Yeah, nobody’s ever made it to San Diego. ERIN I’ll make it! You’ll see! When Hellish weather sees me, it will just move out of the way! JOHN runs in, panicked. JOHN Guys! Guys! I just heard on the radio that a really bad Hellstorm is coming in! ERIN Well, Shit! JOHN, ERIN, BILL and FRANK suddenly hear something and freeze. The theme to “Full House” comes in through the air. All of them scream and writhe in agony. END.
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