A Terrible Sketch from College

I have learned a lot since this:

Hellish Weather
By Shaun Clayton

SCENE – A lunch room in an office building.  BILL, an office worker, limps in, brown bag lunch in hand, obviously in pain.  He sits down at a table in the center of the room.  He starts opening his bag and taking out the contents.  FRANK, another office worker, comes in, also holding a bag, but he has a hard time finding the table as he is blinded, with gauze over his eyes.

BILL
It’s over here, Frank.

FRANK
Thanks.

FRANK sits down at the table and begins to take out his lunch.  A third man comes up to the table, JOHN.  He has hooks for hands, with one of the hooks through his bag lunch. JOHN fumbles with the bag and starts tearing it up. He struggles, frustrated to get any sort of handle on things, then gives up when he realizes he isn’t going succeed in getting a hold of his lunch.  He sits back in his chair and sighs.

BILL
You need some help there, John?

JOHN
No, just forget it.

JOHN gets up and walks off.

FRANK
John trying to eat lunch again?

BILL
Yeah.

FRANK
Damn the weather!

BILL
Yes, the weather is a bastard!

FRANK
Things were a lot better before the seasons changed.

BILL
Yeah, it used to be Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter.  Now it’s Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter
Hell and Heaven!

FRANK
Yeah, and it just so happens that we live in Phoenix, where it’s hardly ever Heaven, but a    whole lot of Hell.

BILL
Right.

FRANK
Well, I’m sure glad that Indian Hell passed. It was winter, I was jogging, and before I
knew it, there was a three headed dog clamped onto my leg and all my ex-girlfriends were at the side of the road, laughing.

BILL
Oh, that’s nothing. I’m doing some yardwork, and all of a sudden a thousand fishhooks go    right into my eyes.  Then, while I’m sprawling on the ground, a demon has sex with me while
reading a William Shatner book out loud.

FRANK
Ouch.  That really does suck.

ERIN
(O.S.)
Hey guys!

FRANK
(looks O.S.)
Oh Christ, here comes Erin, that bastard.

BILL
Why is he a bastard?

FRANK
He was out golfing the other day when a freak
Heaven front came in.

BILL
Bastard!

FRANK
Shh!  Here he comes.

ERIN walks in, smile on his face.

ERIN
Hey, you would not believe what happened to me!

BILL
You encountered a freak Heaven front while golfing.

ERIN
Yeah!  I was teeing off on the 3rd hole when the Heaven front came in, and I got a hole in
one!  Then, three beautiful women had sex with me, and became the King of Prussia!  It was    excellent!  Man, I was so disappointed whenthat passed and it was winter again. Damn!

BILL
(sarcastic)
Yeah, gee, Winter’s a bitch.

ERIN
(sits down)
Man, I’m going to move to San Diego, where it’s always Heaven!

FRANK
Oh, right, like Ted. Yeah, he got his stuff, got on a plane, then right over Yuma, the
plane turned into a dragon that ate his soul.

BILL
Yeah, nobody’s ever made it to San Diego.

ERIN
I’ll make it!  You’ll see!  When Hellish weather sees me, it will just move out of the  way!

JOHN runs in, panicked.

JOHN
Guys! Guys!  I just heard on the radio that a  really bad Hellstorm is coming in!

ERIN
Well, Shit!

JOHN, ERIN, BILL and FRANK suddenly hear something and freeze.  The theme to “Full House” comes in through the air.  All of them scream and writhe in agony.

END.
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