I have learned a lot since this:
By Shaun Clayton
SCENE – A lunch room in an office building. BILL, an office worker, limps in, brown bag lunch in hand, obviously in pain. He sits down at a table in the center of the room. He starts opening his bag and taking out the contents. FRANK, another office worker, comes in, also holding a bag, but he has a hard time finding the table as he is blinded, with gauze over his eyes.
It’s over here, Frank.
FRANK sits down at the table and begins to take out his lunch. A third man comes up to the table, JOHN. He has hooks for hands, with one of the hooks through his bag lunch. JOHN fumbles with the bag and starts tearing it up. He struggles, frustrated to get any sort of handle on things, then gives up when he realizes he isn’t going succeed in getting a hold of his lunch. He sits back in his chair and sighs.
You need some help there, John?
No, just forget it.
JOHN gets up and walks off.
John trying to eat lunch again?
Damn the weather!
Boring Midwest Hit By Exciting Tornados
The mind-blowing dullness of the Midwest was suddenly shaken up this week by an outbreak of amazingly exciting tornadoes.
At least 32 tornadoes were spotted, a glorious spectacle of nature's awesome power, one of which that completely demolished dozens of identical suburban houses and an outlet mall.
“It was quite amazing,” Said Earl Blonk, a resident of Williamsburg, Iowa, “This giant funnel came roaring out of the sky like God's wrath, decimating an OshKosh B'gosh."
Man’s Friends Tired of Waiting for Him in Heaven
Complaints have been mounting from the dead friends of 97 year old Earl Sommerland, who say that they are tired of waiting for him in Heaven.
“It’s just selfish,” said Pete Edson, who was a long-time golfing partner of Sommerland before he died of a heart attack in 1984, “I mean, yeah, I want him to have a long life, but I have all these golf games up here that are just begging for a second."
“Most of us died off in our twenties,” said Korean War buddy Nate Olen, who got his torso blown off his body in an artillery strike, “I’d been hoping to see Earl again, but maybe that asshole would rather live than play poker with us."
Area Gen-Xer's Middle Age Now Fits His Cynicism
Friends and family of 41-year old Glen Smith are relieved this week after realizing that his cynicism has now caught up to and is matching his middle age.
"When we were dating in the late 1990's I remember him saying how fucked everything is," said his wife, Sarah, "He kept going on about how there is no future for anyone, which was strange for someone in their early 20's, but now it suits him."
Longtime friend Steve Eggers, 39, was pleased to see that his views on voting matched his grizzled visage.
"Since 1993 he's been going on about how they take too much out of his paycheck in taxes," said Eggers, "Which sounds more like a middle-aged guy wearing flannel than a 19-year old wearing flannel."
When reached out for comment, Smith said “Fuck everything.”