Cat Discourse

​[Two cats sit on a windowsill in the sunlight, a striped orange tabby called TIGER and a black and white tuxedo named MR. WAFFLES.]
 
TIGER: Mr. Waffles, have you ever thought about where you cough up a hairball?
 
MR. WAFFLES: No, Tiger, I usually just stop where I am and cough it up.
 
TIGER: I do think about where I cough up hairballs.  Coughing up hairballs is part of a cat’s essence. It’s almost like the balance to licking yourself – lick yourself to get your outside clean, throw up the hair to clean the inside.
 
MR. WAFFLES: Yes, I can see that, kind of a cleansing of the soul and the body.  I guess that also applies to when I eat too fast and then throw up the food a minute later.
 
TIGER: Yes! Now, for you, it does not matter where you throw up.
 
MR. WAFFLES: No, for me it’s more about getting everything out as soon as possible.
 
TIGER: For me, I like to consider placement. For example, I like to throw up right in the hallway where it’s unavoidable for people.  I do that as if to say to the humans, “I am a cat, this is me, witness my self.”
 
MR. WAFFLES: They do witness us. They go “Here kitty,” then make little kissing sounds.
 
TIGER: Yes, but that is on their terms!  I want to pull them out of their everyday routine and have them stop and realize that I am a cat, and I live here.
 
MR. WAFFLES: They do realize we live here.  They pet us, they respond to us meowing at them when we can see the bottom of our food bowls despite food being in it, and they take photos of us all time.
 
TIGER: Yes, but do they pet you when you want to? Do they respond to your meowing right away? Do they wake you up to take photos of you sleeping? 
 
MR. WAFFLES: Oh, yes, I suppose.
 
TIGER: Yes! It’s on their terms! We need to make it on our terms!
 
MR. WAFFLES: Maybe you are overthinking this.  I mean, sometimes when I pee on someone’s clothes it’s just because I was bored, not because I’m making a statement.
 
TIGER:  It should be, though! We should make everything a cat does to be meaningful!  It should be part of an art movement!
 
MR. WAFFLES: An art movement?
 
TIGER: Yes, we should take our routine and turn it into something noticeable, like Andy Warhol.
 
MR. WAFFLES: I thought he was more about the banality of American media.
 
TIGER: No, no, no, it was about noticing the things we see every day but never really look at!  Coughing up a hairball on a bed is exactly like making a painting of a Campbell’s Soup can!
 
MR. WAFFLES: Well, even if it is, what’s the goal?
 
TIGER: The goal? Oh, well, the ultimate goal is to make the humans realize the quintessence of cat.  To look at a cat and go “This is a cat. This is reality.”
 
MR. WAFFLES: Yeah, but are there treats?
 
TIGER: What?
 
MR. WAFFLES: Treats?  I mean, is this going to get us treats?  I like the salmon ones.
 
TIGER: Treats?  Treats? I’m talking about the height of feline expression and you are talking about treats?!?
 
MR. WAFFLES: Well, treats are delicious and I would like more of them.
 
TIGER: Oh my gosh, I cannot believe you are taking actions of high intellectual expression and turning them into base primal urges.
 
MR. WAFFLES: Yeah, but I’m a cat. You’re talking about being the most cat.  I’m a cat, I want treats.
 
TIGER: You are hopeless.
 
MR. WAFFLES: Hopeless with treats!
 
TIGER: Disgusting. Let’s just get back to watching for things to kill that we can’t actually get to.
 
MR. WAFFLES: Okay!