submissions in a rejected application for the onion

Boring Midwest Hit By Exciting Tornados

The mind-blowing dullness of the Midwest was suddenly shaken up this week by an outbreak of amazingly exciting tornadoes. 
At least 32 tornadoes were spotted, a glorious spectacle of nature's awesome power, one of which that completely demolished dozens of identical suburban houses and an outlet mall. 
“It was quite amazing,” Said Earl Blonk, a resident of Williamsburg, Iowa, “This giant funnel came roaring out of the sky like God's wrath, decimating an OshKosh B'gosh."

Man’s Friends Tired of Waiting for Him in Heaven

Complaints have been mounting from the dead friends of 97 year old Earl Sommerland, who say that they are tired of waiting for him in Heaven.
“It’s just selfish,” said Pete Edson, who was a long-time golfing partner of Sommerland before he died of a heart attack in 1984, “I mean, yeah, I want him to have a long life, but I have all these golf games up here that are just begging for a second."
“Most of us died off in our twenties,” said Korean War buddy Nate Olen, who got his torso blown off his body in an artillery strike, “I’d been hoping to see Earl again, but maybe that asshole would rather live than play poker with us."

Area Gen­-Xer's Middle Age Now Fits His Cynicism

Friends and family of 41-year old Glen Smith are relieved this week after realizing that his cynicism has now caught up to and is matching his middle age.
"When we were dating in the late 1990's I remember him saying how fucked everything is," said his wife, Sarah, "He kept going on about how there is no future for anyone, which was strange for someone in their early 20's, but now it suits him."
Longtime friend Steve Eggers, 39, was pleased to see that his views on voting matched his grizzled visage.
"Since 1993 he's been going on about how they take too much out of his paycheck in taxes," said Eggers, "Which sounds more like a middle-aged guy wearing flannel than a 19-year old wearing flannel."
When reached out for comment, Smith said “Fuck everything.”