The dating profile that does not exist

I have been doing research on women in their 30's in Chicago on dating internet widgets. This is purely research.  I mean, I have no reason to actually use a dating app, MY LOVE LIFE IS FINE. Anyhow, I came up with a dating profile I think I will never see:

I am a mean spirited, complimentary, logical, fake, cold, incredibly serious, delusional, unfunny girl who hates to laugh.

I am looking for someone who is dumb and is will hurt me emotionally on a regular basis.  I want a man who hates the outdoors and never wants to go outside.  They definitely do not want to explore this terrible city, and hates life itself.

Also, I hope you don't have a passport, because I hate traveling.

Seriously, I hate travel so much.

Things I like: non-alcholic drinks, decaf coffee, sitting in a room and hearing recorded music, going to the same restaurant over and over, doing absolutely nothing physical (certainly not yoga), playing with my tarantula, and running away from the mere mention of sporting events.

Most of my large family are dead, and the ones who are alive I wish were dead.

VERY interested in random hook ups.  Want a relationship built on lies and subterfuge.  Guys only below 5'10" in height, please.

(picture of woman from behind sitting in a dark room.  It's the middle of the day but no light is coming in because of her visible hoarded collection of computers from the 1980's)