Well, it turns out that this is in HD because they remastered it several years ago. Simple enough.

Did they ever think this is supposed to be picked up as a series?

Well no. They actually were unsure that this would be picked up as a whole series so they filmed the pilot with an ending that could turn it into a stand-alone movie.  Apparently it had a tough time getting on the air because, well, it was pretty non-standard.  Seems that Bob Iger pushed hard for it against a group of doubting executives and that’s how it got a series. 

What bird is that in the intro?

The Bewick’s Wren.

Who is Diane?

Well we don’t really know other than she works at the FBI and transcribes Cooper’s tapes.

How old were the actors at the high school?

Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) was around 25. Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) was around 20.  Bobby (Dana Ashbrook) was about 23. Laura (Sheryl Lee) also around 23. Mike (Gary Hershberger) was 26. Shelly (not really going to high school, but played by Mädchen Amick) was 20. Nadine (Wendy Robie) was clearly too old to be in high school at 37.

So I think I can safely write that I am correct in thinking that everyone was too old for high school.

What did happen to Josie?

Nobody really knows. Trapped in a knob.

Did Johnny get killed?

Only in my imagination. My delightful imagination.  Also, I can’t really find people as angry about this as me, which is disappointing.

Did Audrey die in the explosion?

Sherilyn Fenn stated that had the series gone on, Audrey would have survived the bank explosion.

Was the show meant to continue after Laura Palmer’s murder was solved?

It appears that the show was not - more to the point, the show was never supposed to solve the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer until the very end.  Network pressure asked the murder to be solved early and David Lynch resisted, but lost.  He’s pretty clearly right in saying “The question of what happened to Laura Palmer was the goose that laid the golden egg. Then ABC asked us to snip the goose’s head off, and it killed the goose.”

Where was this filmed?

Most of Twin Peaks was filmed in Aurora, Washington. 

Why wasn’t Lara Flynn Boyle in the movie Fire Walk With Me?

I guess despite a common explanation that she didn’t want to do nude scenes, she actually had a scheduling conflict. 

What are the lodges?

NOT SURE. Though the guess is as the show says – metaphysical constructs of power.

What is Bob?

It’s pretty ambiguous. Though like a lot of answers, I found it on this really excellent FAQ.

What was supposed to happen in Season 3?

There’s no definitive answers that I found, so I made up a few:

1. Agent Cooper acts like a crazy jerk, but his good side starts to resist.  While in a junkard, the two sides split and fight it out exactly like Superman.

2. Leo gets the cage of tarantulas dropped on his head but he’s okay because tarantulas aren’t dangerous.

3. Ed and Norma leave Twin Peaks forever and move to Columbus, Ohio.

4. Audrey survives the blast yet most of her clothes are damaged.  There’s several episodes of doctors unable to help her because they can’t stop saying “homina homina homina.”

5. After the Swedes buy the Great Northern Hotel, Josie’s screaming face starts appearing in IKEA furniture.

6. Donna gets some allergy medication for her constant watery eyes.

7. Bob finds Bobby and drags him for several miles through the forest before throwing him in front of Pete’s truck.  Bobby survives, but in horrible agonizing pain, but doesn’t get proper treatment at the hospital because Doctors are still ogling Audrey’s body.  Shelly shows up to tell him she’s finally realized what a dick he is and leaves.  Leo eventually shows up and rapes Bobby to death over the course of seven episodes.

8. Coffee.

Well, there’s one last “episode” to the Twin Peaks saga, the prologue movie titled “Fire Walk With Me,” from 1992.  Considering the standard episodes were an hour, this should just seem like a longer, higher budget version of an episode.

I am also guessing nothing will be resolved from the cliffhanger ending of the series.

Starting off. lots of flickering images.  David Bowie is in this?? Chris Isaak?  Keifer Sutherland??  The background pulls out to reveal it is an extreme close-up of static on a  TV screen.  The TV screen explodes.  Then there is screaming.  Then there is a body floating in a river.  Then we get to see Cole yelling to a secretary to contact an agent in North Dakota.

It’s apparently Chris Isaak as the agent, arresting two scantily clad-women with a team full of agents who for some reason are next to a school bus full of screaming school children.  Oh, this is going to be good.

He goes to answer his car phone. Since Cole screams so loud, he has to lower his antenna. He asks him to meet at the private Portland airport.

Ah, Kiefer Sutherland is there with Gordon Cole at the airport.  He’s wearing a bow tie. Chris Isaak is named Chet.  Keifer is named Sam.  Chet’s surprise is revealed – a girl named Lil who is dressed in red with a red wig on.

She comes up and makes a scrunched up face and squeezes her hand open and closed.  It’s apparently Gordon’s Mother’s Sister’s girl.  So that makes her…his cousin.  Cole says “Good luck!”  Uh, what is he supposed to do?  Well Chet and Sam are supposed to team up on this while Cole flies out to Philadelphia.

In the car, Sam asks Chet what we are all asking, “the hell was that?” Chet says Lil was wearing a sour face, and blinking eyes, that means the local authorities will not be receptive to the FBI.  One hand in her pocket means the authorities are hiring something, the other hand squeezing means they will be belligerent. The walking in place means a lot of leg work involved.  Cole’s odd way of saying the girl was his cousin lets him know the Sherriff’s Uncle is in Federal Prison.  Sam notices the dress was taken in, which is code for drugs. The blue rose – that’s for SECRET.  Chet knows the answer but can’t tell Sam.  So, okay that was explained, but it leaves the question of WHY?  Is this town full of KGB agents who are listening in at every point?

The Deer Meadow Sheriff’s office.  They are not very receptive to the FBI.  The deputy tells the agents to wait and drink old coffee.  The secretary laughs.  Chet grabs the deputy by the nose and causes him a lot of pain, then tells the secretary to make some fresh coffee.

Chet waltzes into the office and informs the Sheriff (who has the name of Cable) he’s there to investigate the murder of Theresa Banks. Sheriff – not very helpful.  Chet asks for all the info on Theresa banks.  The Sheriff reaches down and tosses the agent a box of info, tells him the body is out back.  You know, like the body is an old truck.  There’s also a picture of the Sheriff bending steel – oh, maybe he has crazy strength like Nadine?

Well, we see the dead girl, who looks like an actress with her mouth open trying not to blink.  Anyway, she was a drifter, nobody came to claim the body, no known next of skin. Sam indicates she was killed by a blunt object.  Oh, Sam finds something is up with the ring finger. He brings over his stupidly huge device to look at it.  OH, something is in the fingernail.  I bet it is a letter on a piece of paper.  Yes indeed!  The letter T.

Remember when Keifer played a nerd instead of a crazy torturer?

Completed with the autopsy, the Sam and Chet go to “Hap’s” for some food.

Also, Theresa worked at the restaurant.  She apparently worked there a month, never seemed to get there on time.  The coarse owner says she was a cocaine addict.  Owner believes she died of a freak accident.  Her arm went completely dead for a time.  Bob?  Bob influence?  Oh, Chet makes Sam spill coffee on himself for no reason.   Sam suggests that they take the body back to Portland to do some nerve work to check on the body numbness.  Sam asks Irene (the smoking owner) about food, and she says “You wanna hear our specials?  We don’t have any.” Well, that’s pretty rude of her.

Daylight.  The Fat Trout Trailer Park, where Theresa lived for a time.  After talking to the miserable wreck of an owner, they get access to Theresa’s trailer.  They find a picture of Theresa with her missing ring on. Miserable trailer park owner comes back with coffee. This is two scenes focusing on coffee, which makes this an official Twin Peaks or Jim Jarmusch movie. The coffee is super strong.

(At this point I stop the movie to go make myself some coffee.  Where’s the Folger’s endorsement del for this movie?)

A creepy dirty woman shows up with an ice bag over her eye.  When asked if she knows Theresa Banks, she shudders and walks off.  Odd moment.  The owner suddenly seems unnerved.

Ah!  Wind blowing through trees! A Twin Peaks classic.

Back at the Sheriff’s office, a confrontation occurs over the body being taken by the FBI.  The body gets taken.  We don’t see what happens to the Sheriff’s nose.

Chet says he’s going to check around the trailer park again while Sam takes the body to Portland.  Sam asks about the Blue Rose.  I am going to venture a guess that it has something to do with Windom Earle?  David Lynch is directing this, so the Blue Rose could mean Columbian parrots. Who knows.

Chet looks at the telephone pole near the trailers.  He seems to be interested by another trailer with the lights on.  He finds the ring of the missing girl. Is that an owl symbol? Yes.

CUT TO PHILADELPHIA.  Agent Cooper!  He addresses Gordon Cole, worried about today because of the dream he had.  Then he messes with some security cameras.  David Bowie appears!  Also, somehow, Cooper’s image stays on a security camera even though he is in the net room.  David Bowie is addressed as “Philip Jaffries.” David Bowie speaks with an amusing southern twang.

He accuses Agent Cooper of being something he is not.  We transition to images of a kind of scarecrow guy with an eraserhead hairstyle, messing with a stick? Oh!  And the Dwarf!  And Bob.  They seem to be having a get-together in some sort of run-down shack.  Oh, hey, that…woman and her boy are there!  The Dwarf says “With this ring, I thee wed.”  Couple more images.  DAVID BOWIE vanishes!  He has super powers, just like the Venture Bros. indicated!

Also, Chet disappeared. Just so everyone knows.

Cooper and Cole review the security footage.  Obviously, David Bowie was there!  Where did he go though?  Also, nobody questions why Cooper’s image is stuck on the monitor.

Agent Cooper is there at the Fat Trout Trailer Park, talking to the miserable owner (who has a name of Karl) about the last few moments of Chet.  After being directed to Theresa and the Deputy’s trailer, Agent Cooper naturally goes off in another direction to where Chet went…except there is no longer a trailer there.  An old woman and grandson lived there…ah, from Twin Peaks.

Cooper checks out Chet’s vehicle.  On the vehicle is written “Let’s Rock” in…lipstick?

Chet is dictating to Diane.  He talks about this being a Blue Rose case and not knowing where the killer will strike again.

Jump to one year later!  We’re in Twin Peaks!  Laura Palmer is alive (presumably) and walking down the street.  The city seems larger with actual exterior locations.  Laura meets up with a woman who looks almost like Donna and yet is called “Donna.”  Ah yes, I was told about this – Lara Flynn Boyle is not in this movie, replaced by Moira Kelly.  Apparently Lara Flynn Boyle was too busy with her awesome career.  She was in…some stuff….and Men In Black 2, remember?

Ugh, anyway the two are hassled by Bobby and Mike (regrettably, this is a time before the seires, so Bobby can’t be murdered horribly) and then they go off to school.  James talks to Laura about something or other.  Or he just says “Laura” and stares at her.  Laura leaves Donna to go to the bathroom, and we see her do coke.

Later, James is being super broody as a nearly naked Laura meets him.   Bobby comes in to the high school and says “Hey Baby” to a picture of Laura in the trophy case before kissing it.  Uh oh, there’s gonna be trouble. Laura says she’s “gone” to James…gone like a turkey.  She gobbles a bit.  James tells her not to leave and they kiss, and we see some Laura nipple.

Laura and Donna are walking outside the school, Bobby comes running up asking where Laura was for the past hour (having sex with James) and Laura says “I was standing right behind you but you were too dumb to turn around.” OH SNAP.  She pauses and says to Donna “If he turned around he might get dizzy and fall down.” DOUBLE SNAP.  Bobby is not amused.  Laura does this weird smiling thing and gets Bobby to be happy again.

Back at the…I think it’s the Palmer house, Donna wants to know who Laura is gonna see.  Laura is wondering why Donna cares, because nighttime is the time she turns into a cokevampire.  There’s a discussion about why Laura even spends time with Bobby because he’s a goon (true) and not more time with James because he’s very attractive and sweet.  Donna just fawns over him and wonders if Mike could ever write a poem?  I think that’s what she said.  Then the subject changes to Laura talking about falling through space faster and faster, then bursting into flame forever.

Laura goes home.  Ah, okay they were at the Hayward’s.  With nobody around Laura starts smoking and writing in her diary.  Or tries to – she finds pages have been ripped out.  She drives off in an old car to the crazy house of Harold.  Laura indicates that Bob must have torn out the pages.  Interestingly, Harold does not believe Bob is real, since Harold himself lives in a crazy fantasy world.  Laura indicates Bob comes in through her window at night and has his way with her, and speaks to her.  He says he has to be in her or he will kill her.  I think that means literally within her.  Laura stars saying “Fire walk with me” in a way that even scares Harold.  Her lips turn all gothy, and the Laura snaps out of it, crying, holding Harold.

This is the point where Laura tells Harold to hide her secret diary so Bob can’t find it.  She then starts making out with Harold, then abruptly leaves saying that she may never come back.

Now a montage of Laura all crazy.

Cooper, back at the Philadelphia office, talking to Albert.  Cooper claims to know details about who the next victim will be from a vision, and Albert will help him solve the case. Albert questions him on details, and when he gets Coopers’ vague generalities, he calls him out on how stupid it sounds.

Ah, back to the R&R.  Shelly is still Shelly, unlike Donna.  Heidi has a nosebleed, so Laura needs some help with a food delivery for Meals on Wheels.  While alone, Laura sees the strange woman and her boy.  The woman suggests a creepy picture would look good on Laura’s wall.

Creepy boy in mask says “he’s going through her pages.”  Laura runs off.  Shelly is confused.

Laura runs home.  her home seems ominous. She finds Bob hiding around upstairs and runs screaming from the house.  She hides in the bushes, because…you know, supernatural evil can’t find her there.  She sees Leland come out of the house and says “nonononono” while crying, seeming to indicate she knows he’s been possessed.

Laura goes to Donna crying and asking if she is her best friend and they have some girl comforting.

Back at the Palmer house, Leland sits alone, waiting.  Laura shows up.  Ominous moment where Leland indicates there is dirt way underneath Laura’s fingernail.  He also examines her locket.  Laura’s mother seems just as disturbed as in the show.  They sit down to have a dinner, but Leland demands Laura has to wash her hands first before there is dinner.  It’s just the kind of family dinner that Mansons had.

Later, Laura’s mom Smokes as Leland seems to gather his crazy.  he has this crying fit, then goes to see Laura and tells her he loves her.  It’s like he comes back to being normal for a moment.  Laura cries as he leaves, because she knows he will come back all crazy.  Close-up of angel wings in a picture.  Laura realizes she left the strange picture outside, gets it and puts it on her wall.  I feel like a picture of a door means something will come through the door.

Laura sleeps, we see through the door into the place with the red curtains. The waiting room for the lodge.  We see the ring of Theresa Banks.  It does have the owl symbol on it.  Cooper steps through the curtain. He sees the dwarf who naturally says weird things.  He holds up the ring, and Cooper says “Don’t take the ring, Laura.” Laura wakes up to see a dead girl in her bed.  Oh no it’s just Annie, all bloodied.

She indicates the good Dale is in the lodge and can’t leave.  Ah!  Maybe some resolution after all?  She indicates Laura needs to write in her diary.  Annie disappears, and Laura realizes she has the ring.  Laura gets up, realizes she is seeing herself in the door in the picture.

Ah, now she actually wakes up…I think.  She does not have the ring.  She looks at the picture on the wall, which does not have her in it.  She takes the picture down.

Ah, now off to Leo and Shelly’s where pre-gunshot Leo is being abusive to Shelly.  Ah, good old, non brain-damaged Leo.  He gets a call from Bobby.  Bobby talks code about making a drug deal.  Leo reminds him that Bobby owes him $5,000.  Bobby calles Jacque at the Roadhouse.  In two days, Bobby is to meet someone to sound of sawing wood.

Back at the Palmer house, Laura is getting drunk. Donna shows up.  Laura indicates she is leaving somewhere without Donna, all sexy-like.  Is Moira shorter than Lara Flynn?  Seems like it.

Laura goes off to the Roadhouse.  The Log Lady touches her head and says “When this kind of fire starts, it is hard to put out.”  Then goes on about how “All goodness is in jeopardy.” Laura goes in, and that strange lady is singing at the bar.  The one who sings the theme song.  She’s singing something else.  Laura is crying. Donna shows up to the Road House, watching Laura from across the bar.  It looks like Laura is making some sort of prostitution deal. Donna shows up and asks to “boogie,” drinking down a shot.  Wow, Donna also wants to be a prostitute?  So the both of them go out to a place with seizure-inducing lights and boobs.  It may be One-Eyed Jack’s.  Can’t hear what anyone is saying, which is a realistic portrayal of a club.  I think Donna’s out of her league here. Drugs are put in the beer for Donna.  Laura dances with a guy, takes her top off, Donna sees this, starts to get all druggy and woozy and sexually adventurous.

I can’t really hear what Laura and Jacque and some girl are talking about.  There are a lot of shots of Laura’s nipples in this movie.  Laura and some girl get some under the table action.  Laura see’s a half-naked Donna getting all felt up and freaks out.  She actually seems more upset about her wearing something of hers. She gets Donna out of there before she contracts herpes.

Later, Donna and Laura are talking.  Donna is unaware of what happened.  Laura indicates that yes, she is upset at Donna wearing some of her stuff.  Ah, like in the series, it transfers her evil. They tell each other that they love each other.  Leland shows up with an image in his head of Laura and the unknown girl in their underwear.  Leland and Laura drive off.

A strange RV, gets right up on their ass. At a stoplight, it peels off and turns around so the driver can yell at Leland.  Ah, it’s crazy one-armed man, Mr. Gerard!  He yells about souls and faces and tabletops.  Lots of yelling.  Leland pulls an auto repair store shop and there is more yelling.

Theresa Banks is seen in the magazine for call girls.  Leland indicates she looks just like Laura.  Leland is in bed with her and asks her who he is.

Ah, it turns out to be a flashback of crazy Leland. Laura snaps him out of it asking who that guy was, and if she had met him.  Well, certainly, Bob met him.

Another flashback.  Ah, Leland went to the meeting place for the girls that Theresa said to meet up with, and one of them was Laura.  Leland gives Theresa the money and leaves.  As he leaves, the strange boy comes by and jumps around, then vanishes.

Back to the car.  Laura asks if Leland came home during the day last week.  He says no.  Then he says he did stop home on Friday to get some asprin.

Crazy man had the owl ring on his pinky finger!  Laura thinks about it.  That, and sexytime with girls. Realizes the same ring was on Theresa’s finger.

Leland hates the TV.  Oh, no rather, he hates Theresa, which he brutally murdered in a trailer.

Laura snorts some coke through a small bag she places a key in.  Like in the series.

She meets Bobby at the school and is excited about getting more coke.

Midnight near the saw mill, Bobby and Laura are wandering around all drunk.  Oh and hopped up on cocaine.  So it’s like they are drinking Fourloko.   They meet their contact, the  deputy from before who has a giant bag of coke. The deputy pulls a gun and Bobby actually competently returns fire with his own gun, ending with a horrific coupe de grace on his head.

Bobby, of course, does not know what to do now.  He starts incompetently burying him. Laura laughs a lot and jokes that Bobby killed Mike.

Back in the suburbs, James shows up all cool and stuff to the Palmer household to pick up Laura.  he asks where she was, and she does not answer “Coked out and covering up a murder.”  James asks when he can see Laura and Leland stands at the porch.  So, Laura has to go get murdered.  Are we getting to the part where she gets murdered?

Well, we are getting back to the part where she does blow again.   Wow, she seems to do blow before bed…to get to sleep?  Or not get to sleep.

Meanwhile, Laura’s mom is drinking warm milk, I think.  Laura’s mom starts to sleep with a book about speaking German on her lap.  She sees a white horse.

Laura is drifting off to coke-sleep, or no, she’s drifting off to get ready for Bob to have sex with her.  Oh, boy, this is one of the least sexy sexy scenes ever.   Laura keeps asking who he is as he has sex with her.  He turns into Leland and she screams really loudly.  Wow, terrifying.

Then…it’s morning.  Laura is having breakfast.  She’s obviously upset from the dad rape.  Leland goes to talk to Laura while her Mom smokes.  Laura says to stay away from me to Leland.  He reacts with shock at first, but then he gets that narrow-eyed head-down look.

At school, Laura is in a weird montagey haze.  With crying.

Then she goes to Bobby to get some drugs.  Bobby thinks he’s being used for blow.   Well, okay, that would be correct, Bobby.

Laura goes home and goes to bed all blowed up. Also, drinking and smoking.  Also, with no pants on.  James calls and she decides to meet him in fifteen minutes.  She gets some tights on for her lingerie. She looks at the angel picture above her bed.  Notices the angel vanishing.  Oh, that’s a good sign.

She cscapes from her house and gets on the back of James’ cycle.  Leland sees this with crazy Leland eyes.

Out in the middle of nowhere, James and Laura talk nonsense about love.  Then Laura starts freaking out and getting super crazy, saying “You don’t even know me,” and saying that his Laura disappeared.  James tries to kiss her back to normal, but it doesn’t work.

Oh!  The traffic light shot!  I’ve missed you.

Laura falls off the bike, freaks out some more, screams “I love you, James,” and runs off into the woods.  James peels off at a red light.

Laura meets up with Leo and Jacque and the other girl.  Oh, right, the other girl must be…Ronette Pulaski.

Ah, this is the part where they go to the cabin for kinky sex and the bird is a witness! Montage of drugs and making out and awkward rough sex.  Ugh.  Leland is watching from a window.   He generates bad weather.

he ambushes Jacque and beats the crap out of him, hitting him with a bottle.  Oh, okay, so he didn’t get drunk and fall, smashing a bottle as he thought.  Leo sees this, runs back in, gets his stuff and leaves the girls all tied up as he speeds off.

Great, this allows Leland to show up and have easy captives.

The one armed man runs through the woods!  He gets to the cabin.  he chases after the girls.

Leland takes the girls to the old train car, where he turns into Bob.  We know this is the place where it ends badly for Laura.   She resists having Bob possess her.  Nightmarish scenes.  An angel appears above Ronette and she is suddenly unbound.

The one armed man knocks at the door, she pushes the door open and Leland beats the crap out of her, pushing her out the door.  A ring falls.

It’s the ring Laura wasn’t supposed to put on. She puts it on.  Sauron returns!  No, wait. Leland just murders Laura.  The One armed man is disappointed he could not get to bob.  Leland takes the dead laura, wrapped up, away.  He ignores the unconscious girl.  He puts her in the river, like moses.  Oh!  Look, the circle of sycamore trees!  The entrance to the Black Lodge!

Leland goes to it, gets all gothy, and enters the lodge.  The one armed man is there, as is the dwarf.

Leland does this gravity-defying leaning thing.  Then…he’s floating in the air, and Bob is standing there.

The dwarf and one-armed man say something, then bob grabs some blood from leland and throws it on the ground.  Uh,  what? Was that his soul?  close up of eating food.   Then a monkey.  Then a dead Laura.

Then a quasi-alive Laura meeting Agent Cooper.  There’s a light and an angel comes to her.  She cries with joy.  Long shot of her crying.

Really long.  Then a fade to white.

THE END.

Wow, okay, nothing really resolved.  That’s it.  The end of Twin Peaks.

Interesting Heather Graham’s only role in this was to show up bloodied for one scene.

Sheriff’s station. Andy and Lucy are having a heart to heart.  They recall being traumatized by recent events and have a ridiculous set of open musing about what might have happened.  They admit they love each other. Aww.

Meanwhile, Cooper looks at the Petroglyph and tells Harry the only way he can save Annie is to decipher the map.  He starts piecing together the idea of the Giant, the Little Man, and “Fire Walk With Me.”

Pete comes in to report that the Log Lady stole his truck.  Cooper instantly realizes it wasn’t the Log Lady but Windom Earle.  Truman recalls a circle of sycamores.  Hawk realizes that the place with the sycamores is where he found the bloody towel and the pages of the diary.  Cooper snaps his fingers and says something about the burial place of King Arthur – Glastonbury – the same name as the grove – Glastonbury Grove.  Pete says something about King Arthur being buried in England.  Everyone stares at him like he’s an idiot.  There is a knock at the door. The (actual) Log Lady arrives.

Cooper lets Pete know that Windom Earle stole Pete’s truck.  The Log Lady brings oil that her husband left behind, which is apparently an opening to a gateway.  Yes, well if you huff gas fumes that is a gateway to something. Cooper smells it, as does Truman.   It’s scorched engine oil?  Ronette Polaski shows up!  Remember her?  She smells the oil and instantly recoils in fear. She remembers it from the night Laura Palmer was killed.  Remember her??

Meanwhile, Windom Earle takes Annie to Glastonbury Grove.  Annie recites a prayer as Windom leads her to what he calls an “appointment at the end of the world.”  Windom Earle drags Annie into the circle and she goes into a trance. Ooooh, nice, a series of red curtains appears and they depart behind it.

Mike and Nadine are getting patched up by the doctor as Ed and Norma are all happy. Mike says that he loves Nadine.  Nadine suddenly doesn’t remember Mike.  Oh shoot, it seems Nadine’s gone back to her normal 35-year old self.  She starts shouting about her drape runners.  So, what, Ed’s going to go back to being miserable?  Wedding off?

Donna is confronted by Ben and her mother and she gets all shouty. Doc Hayward shows up and tells Ben to leave.   Sylvia shows up.  Who is Sylvia?  Donna hugs Doc Hayward and says “You’re my Daddy!”  Over and over.  Then Doc Hayward gets all hulk-like and punches Ben who…hits a fireplace tool with his head, and falls over with blood on his head.  Doc Hayward shouts in anguish as Donna cries.  Ben twitches.  So maybe he’s dead?

Meanwhile Andrew switches the key to a safety deposit box with the key from the box which is also from a safety deposit box.  Pete catches Andrew after he makes the switch and says “Oh Andrew…” but Andrew just says “Goodnight Pete,” and leaves.

Cooper and Truman find Pete’s stolen truck.  They wander off to the Grove.  Cooper feels strange.  He says to Truman that he has to go on alone and slowly takes Truman’s flashlight.  Truman is like Obi-Wan.  Well, Truman is left in the dark now. An Owl hoots and watches Cooper as he approaches the circle.  He finds the pool of oil.  Truman, follows Cooper despite the warning and sees Cooper disappear behind the magic red curtains.

Now, Coooper is inside the red curtained room he was in so long ago.  Strobe lights flash as the little backwards man shows up. There’s some soulful singer who appears.  Cooper looks very stoned/frightened.  The soulful singer disappears.  Meanwhile, Andy is wandering around the forest, looking for Sheriff Truman.  He finds him.

Daylight.  Truman and Andy are still waiting for Agent Cooper at the circle.  Harry is focused on the circle.  He is lost.  Not physically, but mentally.

Audrey Horne shows up at the bank and chains and handcuffs herself to the vault door.  She is there to protest the Ghostwood development.  She asks the old man at the bank to bring her some water and to call the newspaper.   Audrey can’t actually drink the water herself as she can’t use her hands, so the old man has to pour it in her mouth.  The old man is very very old, and apparently the only one working at the bank, so this takes a very long time.

Now, Andrew and Pete show up.  The old man at the bank is surprised by the appearance of the dead Andrew.  He identifies the key as a safety deposit key, but of course, they can’t get to the boxes because there’s a chained Audrey at the door.  Humorously, Andrew and Pete can just walk by Audrey because she’s chained herself to the door alone, which swings open.  Audrey tells the old man to call the Sheriff’s Department and ask for Agent Cooper.

Pete and Andrew have no idea which box the key opens.  The old man looks at the key with a magnifying glass and then wanders over to a box, one of hundreds.  He puts the key in the lock of the proper box and walks away.

Andrew opens the box to see a note that says “Got you, Andrew love, Thomas.”  It’s attached to a bomb.

The bomb explodes!  We see the windows of the bank from the exterior explode outward.  The old man’s glasses fly out and land on a tree.  Whoa whoa whoa, does this mean Audrey got killed as well?  I certainly call “bullshit!” if this is the case.

Okay well, at the R&R.  Briggs is having coffee with his wife.  Bobby thinks Shelly and her should get married.  Shelly reminds him she’s still wearing Leo’s ring.  I would like to remind her that BOBBY IS A HUGE MORON.  ALSO WHAT ABOUT AGENT COLE??? Oh, Heidi shows up!  I forgot about her.  Bobby says “Leo is probably up in the woods having the time of his life.”

With that setup we segue to Leo in the horrible spider trap, briefly.

Back to the R&R.  Dr. Jacoby in a very Harry Blackstone cape-like getup arrives with Sarah Palmer. Apparently they were looking for Major Briggs. Sarah has an urgent message for Briggs.  She opens her mouth and sounds like a goddamn DEMON and says “I am in the Black Lodge with Agent Cooper” or “Almond black fudge min pooper.”  One of those.

In the Black Lodge (which is actually mostly red) the crazy backwards little man is in the room with Cooper.  He says “When  you see me again, it won’t be me.”  Will it be William Shatner?  he says “This is the waiting room.  Would you like some coffee?” Oh, that would make sense why it’s red.  Also, where is the coffee?  ”Some of your friends are here,” the little man says.  Laura Palmer is there.  She says “Hello Agent Cooper. I’ll see you again in 25 years.” Wait…so that’s…three years from the time of this writing, in 2015?  Looking forward to that.  ”Meanwhile,” she says, then disappears.  The incompetent old man is there and brings Agent Cooper coffee.  He and the Dwarf have an amusing moment of saying “Hallelujah” and “Coffee.”  The old man is replaced by the giant.  He mentions they are one and the same.  Ah.  That sort of makes sense.  Agent Cooper goes to drink the coffee but finds it is no longer liquid.  Oh, wait, now it is.  No…now it’s…black goo.

The Little Man then gives the easiest palindrome to say in “Wow Bob wow.”  he also says “Fire Walk with Me” and there’s a LOT OF FIRE!  Then strobe lights.  Oh, Cooper has leapt forward to Burning Man!  Cooper leaves the room, walks down the hall to the Venus statue, and goes into another room.  It’s the same room. He goes back. Same room again.  The dwarf says “wrong way.”  Cooper goes back to the other identical room.  The Dwarf is there is laughing at him.  He says “Another friend!”  His backwards laughing is creepy.  Another Laura shows up but it’s not Laura but Maddy.  She says to watch out for her cousin.  Ah so, maybe one room is the evil room, the other is the good room. Coooper goes back to the previous room.  Nothing is there anymore.  No furniture.  The Dwarf is there to say “Doppleganger.”  Man this is a lot to write.

Well, uh, Laura shows up with dead white eyes, says “Meanwhile” and then starts shrieking like the devil.  Cooper runs back to the other room.  He finds his stomach wounds from the gunshot have opened up.  So he goes back to the frightening room again?  He sees himself and the dead Caroline on the ground.  No, wait, it’s Annie.  Then she disappears.  Then…wow.  the hell is going on?

Cooper ends up in the other room again where he sees Annie.  ”I saw the face of the man who killed me. It was my husband,” she says.  She also says “Who’s Annie?”  Then she turns into Caroline.  Then back into Annie.  Then into screaming Laura.  Then Windom Earle.  I’m glad I’m not high right now, I would be losing my mind.

Annie appears and disappears.  Windom Earle asks Cooper to give him his soul.  He says that he will let Annie live in exchange.  Cooper does so without hesitation.  Windom “backwards” knifes him, and then there’s fire, then Cooper comes back up and the knife goes in reverse.  Then Bob appears to be raping Windom Earle. Bob says “He’s wrong! He can’t ask for your soul.  I will take his.”  Nice.  There is an awesome moment of backwards fire coming from Windom’s head.  SUPER NICE.

Cooper leaves.  Then…evil Cooper shows up to laugh with Bob.

This whole thing I am writing is really insane.

Good Cooper is in the hallway again.  Leland Palmer shows up to say “I did not kill anybody.”  Creepy.  Evil Cooper pursues Good Cooper.  He catches up to him.  In the outside, Truman finds Cooper unconscious.  There’s also a bloodied Annie.

Coooper wakes up at the Great Northern.  It was all a dream!  Annie is apparently going to be fine, according to Truman.  Cooper declares that he needs to brush his teeth.  He gets up, all stoned like and goes to the bathroom.  Cooper puts a lot of toothpaste in the sink for no reason.  he looks into the mirror and smashes his head against it.  The reflection is Bob’s!  Noooooo! He keeps saying “How’s Annie? How’s Annie?”

THE END.

We see a cup of coffee at the end.  Laura Palmer’s face is reflected in it.

So…unresolved will be if Audrey died, who Donna’s real dad is, and what if Sam Beckett ever returned home?

Leo is chained up next to a drugged up Major Briggs.  He manages to get to a desk and find a key.  The key doesn’t unlock his own shackles, but unlocks Major Briggs’ schacles.  Leo tells Briggs to “Save Shelly” as Briggs druggedly escapes.

Windom Earle comes in to confront Leo about the Briggs escape.  Earle looks especially crazy, all bloodshot and pale, like he’s been doing barrelfulls of coke.  He tells Leo that there will be no punishment, but holds up a small bag in front of him.  Is it full of snakes? Kittens?  Licorice allsorts?

Back at the R&R, Norma presents the pies the restaurant is contributing to the Miss Twin Peaks contest, then indicates that Shelly or Annie should win because it would be a good day for healing in light of the murder of Laura Palmer.  Oh right!  That person.  I had forgotten.  Apparently it’s Norma’s 20th Anniversary of Winning Miss Twin Peaks.  Also, she’s a judge.

Audrey is in mourning, in red.  I like this.  Ben has pretty much every holy book assembled, which he will read until he finds the fundamental secret of good.  Yes, I’m sure it’s in there.  No evil ever came from those books.  Audrey is sad that Jack is gone.  She gives an update on the trip to Seattle.  Apparently there is a bank that doesn’t want a lot of attention in helping fund the Ghostwood Project – hence, it’s going to now get a lot of attention from Ben.  Ben also reminds Audrey to enter the Miss Twin Peaks contest to give a speech to promote the Anti-Ghostwood Movement.

PETROGLYPH! Truman and Cooper discuss the matters at hand – Cooper believes Briggs was captured by Earle.  They have people combing the forest. Earle is listening in.  Cooper starts to think there are more chess pieces than are present on the board to consider.  He brings up Josie’s mysterious death/imprisoned in a drawer knob forever.  Cooper says he saw Bob, as if he slipped in through a crack in time.  He believes Bob is drawn by fear.  Cooper believes that Bob comes from the Black Lodge.  Also, they need to get there before Earle does.  Unfortunately Earle is hearing this and says “Eureka!”  He goes on to say that fear is the key and also his “Favorite emotional state!”  Right, because he cannot be more stereotypically evil.  Earle indicates that now he has the key and knowledge of the place to be and the lock.  First though, he has to get his Queen, saying “I haven’t been this excited since I punctured Caroline’s aorta.”  HE’S SO EVIL.  He’s talking to Leo off camera this whole time.  We see that leo is hooked by his tooth to a string and pulley system that is holding up a box of…tarantulas! Oh, well, those are actually pretty harmless. Ominous looking, but harmless.

Now the choreography by Squiggy of the Miss Twin Peaks contest.  All of the dancing is degrading.  Meanwhile, the judges are discussing procedure as a man carries a dead deer on camera, right at his crotch, with the appearance that he’s having sex with it?

Norma goes to work on the score sheets.  The Widow Lana comes by to sex up Dick and win his influence. She directs him to the storage room and sexes him up.

Cooper is recording to Diane that he’s taken another meditation in leu of sleep and feels refreshed.  He recalls the quest for The Black Lodge and goes on to talk about Annie.  He’s totally love with her.  A knock at the door interrupts him.  He gets shot again!  No, wait, it’s Annie coming by.  She needs help with the environmental speech.  Cooper and her discuss trees, with metaphors for their relationship.  They stop talking and kiss.  Then they go to the bed and get clothes off.  Hot.  She’s no longer a nun, now right?

Nadine gives slide show of her beating the crap out of wrestlers.  Mike and Dr. Jacoby and Norma and Ed are there.  I guess they are there to discuss their divorce-they-can’t-call-a-divorce because she’s crazy.  Ed says he’s marrying Norma.  Nadine says she’s marrying Mike.  She says this and accidentally crushes Mike’s hand.

Meanwhile, Briggs comes stumbling out of the forest onto the road where Hawk finds him.  Back at the Sheriff’s station he recovers.  He’s okay physically, but from the smell, Cooper knows he’s been shot up with Holiperidol (I have no idea how to spell that).  Oh, Briggs’ first name is Garland.  Interesting.  They ask Briggs questions but he’s clearly out of it. Cooper indicates that they need to be at the right place and time to get to The Black Lodge.  Andy says something dumb about the 4-H Club.  Then he dies. 

The Martells are trying to open the last box, which I thought was a block of metal.  It is mentioned that perhaps it is a block of metal, one last little joke. Pete is trying to use a vice to open the box.  They can’t open it.  Andrew gets mad and shoots the box. The shooting manages to open the box.  Inside, there is a key.  They keep the key in the cake saver in plain sight.  Now they need a lock.  WAIT IS THIS THE KEY TO THE BLACK LODGE?? No, no that’s too obvious.

Donna is all dressed up and evil-looking for Miss Twin Peaks.  Donna wants to know what the deal is with Ben Horne and her parents, from her parents.  They don’t let her know so she’s going to Ben Horne.

Andy keeps staring at the petroglyph.  Cooper realizes that something dumb Andy said about the 4-H Club actually relates to the petroglyph as they are astrological symbols for planets. They stand for Jupiter and Saturn – in particular a conjunction of the two planets. The conjunction is January to June.  Ah, lots of time then.  Briggs indicates the Queen must be protected.  Briggs mutters also that fear and love open the doors.  Cooper suggests that there are two lodges, and love opens one lodge, fear opens the other. Cooper realizes there’s something important about the Queen – that the Queen needs to be taken to the lodge to open the door.  The Miss Twin Peaks Contest!  TO THE COOPMOBILE! Andy tries to interrupt him and knocks over the bonsai, finally revealing the bug that Windom Earle planted.  Cooper realizes that Earle’s way ahead of them.  Andy doesn’t get to tell Agent Cooper that really important thing that he wanted to.

At the contest, the girls are dressed in vinyl and twirling umbrellas.  the choreography is awful. Squiggy is having some sort of conniption on the Log Lady who shoves him off.

Doc Hayward gives the opening speech, then Lucy starts off the talent portion with an impressive dance number.  Bobby is there backstage doing…something.  He notices the Log Lady in the audience.  When he turns around, she’s backstage.  Bobby goes up to her and asks if she brought her whole family.  YES! HE GETS HIT ON THE HEAD WITH A LOG! It’s Windom Earle!  FINISH HIM OFF! FINISH HIIIIIIIIIMMMMM!!!!

Ah damnit, it doesn’t happen.

Wow, Lucy can do the splits.  Should a pregnant woman be doing the splits?  I keep forgetting she’s pregnant.

Cooper and Truman show up, indicating deputies are all over the place.  Cooper wants 24 hour security for the winner.  That should be easy considering the police forces’ coffee intake.

The Widow Lana does a Mata Hari-type dance that enstares any male who looks at it.  though really, it’s not that good.  Or sexy.

Segue to Audrey giving a speech for the Anti-Ghostwood project.  Backstage, Donna confronts Ben about him and his mother.  Ben starts to explain, and Donna finishes by saying “You’re my father” and then runs off.

Meanwhile, Annie is giving her speech about environmentalism.  She’s clearly in danger. I wonder why Cooper did not listen to the Giant on this one?  Windom Earle is up in the rafters.  After the speech, balloting begins.

After the speech, Lucy reminds Dick and Andy (and the audience) about the choice she is going to make about the father. She decides on Andy…which is the correct choice, Andy is honored, Dick is excited he doesn’t have to do anything.

The New Miss Twin Peaks (and future corpse) is announced.  (drum roll)…it’s Annie!  Of course it is.  Cooper naturally looks stricken.  Lana looks pissed.  Clap clap clap.  Lights go out. Then strobe lights.  Then smoke.  Look out!  Professional Wrestling is about to happen! Panic. Nadine gets hit with a theater weight.  Cooper goes for Annie, but Earle stops him with a tiny remote explosive.  He then takes Annie away.

Andy shows up and reveals to Cooper what he’s been trying to say all along – the petroglyph is a map!  Well, we knew that. 

Similar:

Start off with dead Ted Raimi.   Man, he spent a long time not blinking.  A team of people struggle, but manage to get the giant chess piece out of the gazebo.  A friend of “Rusty” (Ted Raimi) talks to Truman and Cooper about what happened.  Is this Dan Canstanella? (answer: no)  Apparently Rusty hated his parents and was in a band and lived with his uncle.  Andy starts crying as in the background we hear the sounds of the chess piece being chainsawed in half to fit in the ambulance.

Lucy is messing around with chess pieces.  Everyone wishes her good morning.  The chess piece once holding a corpse is in the office.

Lucy tells Andy that the will choose the father of her child in 24 hours, Andy or Dick.  Also, she’s entering the Miss Twin Peaks contest because she could use the money.  Oooh, that’s like…setting something up for the next episode!  Lucy is trying to think of an environmental speech to give.

At the Great Northern.  Jack is wandering around looking for Audrey.  There are Macintosh Classics on the desks!  Wow, look at those.

Doc Hayward is looking over Ben Horne who is shirtless in his office.  He’s telling her to leave Eileen alone, and Ben says something about lies.  SO MUCH DRAMA.

John shows up to talk to Ben.  His hair is always perfect.  He’s looking for Audrey but has to leave because a friend of his has been murdered.  Whaaa?

Meanwhile, Donna is going through her parents’ attic and finds that her birth certificate… has no father listed!  Oh man, Donna and Audrey are sisters.  That’s what this is implying. There’s an old picture of Ben with her parents.  Ben has a huge mustache.  Hawk is on the phone for her.

The Great northern, Audrey shows up.  Hawk is there to talk to her because Cooper needs to talk to her.  It’s important.  Oh shoot, she’s gonna miss John, literally.  John’s gonna leave forever.  Ben admits he is having a hard time being good.   John’s decides to leave behind a letter for Audrey.

Major Briggs apparently has been looking over the Project Bluebook files on Windom Earle.  Apparently Earle was a good analyst but once he found out about the woods surrounding Twin Peaks, he got violent and obsessive and was removed from Project Bluebook.  Well, that’s a shocker.  From the project archives, a video is played for Truman and Cooper of Earle ranting crazy about a place of evil – The Black Lodge.  Cooper says that he realizes that Earle is not here in Twin Peaks for revenge, he’s there for The Black Lodge.  Cooper thinks there is a connection between the petroglyph and The Black Lodge.  Cooper and harry  going to go through all the files.  Briggs is going for a nice relaxing walk in the supernatural woods.

Apparently the bug in the office hasn’t been found yet – Earle was listening in.  He says something about how Cooper doesn’t know something, and would like to talk to Briggs.  He has a computer setup and lots of analysis of the Petroglyph.  Leo takes some sort of device from Windom’s table.

Meanwhile at the R & R a woman has a weird seizure.  Shelly is working on her speech for her Miss Twin Peaks environmentalism.  AGAIN SHE’S STILL TALKING TO BOBBY.  Bobby is giving writing advice.  Blind leading the FUCKING STUPID.  He tries to get Shelly back, romantically.  Shelly misses him – what, the lies, the betrayal, the complete dumbassness?  Errrruuuuggghh.  Bobby confesses his love for her.  EUUUUGGGRRRHH.  She kisses him.  BLLLLLUUUURRRGGGHHHHH.  WHAT ABOUT COLE????

Shelly gets a phone call from Agent Cooper.  Hmm…looks like all the girls are being pulled into the station.

Meanwhile the miss Twin Peaks contest is being assembled.  Lara is scheming to get the voting for Miss Twin Peaks as a sure thing.  The Mayor suggests she charm Dick Tremaine, one of the judges, with her sexiness.  Wait, isn’t he gay?

Back at the Sheriff’s office, Donna, Audrey, and Shelly are talking with Cooper about the Earle poem.  They all had strange meetings.  Shelly realizes the handwriting is Leo’s.  Cooper wants each of them to check in with the Sheriff twice a day, and have them go around, never alone.  Always let people know where they are.  THEY ARE IN DANGER.

Windom Earle is talking about things as Leo cleans and looks at the Shelly picture.  He seems to remember who she is finally.  Earle asks if Leo would mourn Shelly’s passing.  Leo approaches him with the device he stole from Earle.  Earle half-heartedly begs him not to use it. Leo uses it.  It’s the trigger for his own shock collar.  Waah-waah.  He keeps using it on himself for some reason.  Earle finds it hilarious and gets some shackles.

John leaves The Great Northern, just missing Audrey.  Sadness.  Audrey greets Ben.  Ben wants Audrey to be Miss Twin Peaks and be the spokeswoman for the Save Ghostwood project.  Ben tells Audrey that John needed to leave and go to Brazil.  he gives her the letter.  Audrey finds he left a few minutes ago and rushes to meet him.  Ben suddenly hears or sees something?

Pete in the lobby is reciting some awful poetry about seeing Josie’s face to a painting.  Audrey rushes out to borrow Pete for his truck so they can rush to the airfield.

Cooper and Truman go over the petroglyph for clues.   Cooper talks about Annie, how he’s distracted about being in love with her.  Cooper starts having the same weird tremor that the lady in the diner had.

Meanwhile, Briggs, who is almost always in his dress uniform, is walking around the forest.  He feels something, right where his symbol behind his ear is.  A pantomime horse shows up.  Yes.  Just like in Monty Python.  Except there’s a tranq gun dart shot at him.  He falls.  That’s a really strange costume to pursue someone with.  I mean, what if they run?

Meanwhile, the airport.  John is gettin’ his jet.

Meanwhile, the R&R tavern,  Cooper suggests Annie try for Miss Twin Peaks.  Oh, such an ironically bad idea.  Annie talks to Cooper about how their utter happiness distracts them from their work.  The camera shot gets wider and wider, ominously slow as they talk.  They decide to go bowling and kiss.  A plate of food falls, and we see a slow drip of syrup, like blood.  Oh Twin Peaks.

Meanwhile!  Audrey intercepts John’s jet.  They have a kiss goodbye and admit their love for each other.  THERE’S SO MUCH PASSION IN THIS EPISODE.  Audrey tells John that she’s a virgin and wants to make love in his jet, right now.  Wow.  Pete watches from a distance and tears, up…then has THE TREMBLING.  What the hell is this?

Back to the Legion of Doom Earle Residence, where Briggs is ridiculously tied up and attached to a target.  Earle asks him questions as he loads a crossbow and fires bolts near his body for each answer he refuses.  Briggs gets shot up with some serum.  It apparently allows him to speak the truth.  Briggs apparently says “that when Jupiter and Saturn meet there is a time when they will receive you.”  Briggs apparently needs a rest now.

Now Andrew and Catherine are trying to figure out the inner box.  Andrew tries a few combinations of dates by pressing the zodiac moon symbols, and the box opens!  Inside is another box.  They just smash that box open, rather than mess with it.  Inside of that is a block of aluminum?

So, at the Miss Twin Peaks set-up, people are dancing and being romantic.  Annie is looking on with her big eyes.  Cooper comes up to her.  They dance in a very sweet way.  Annie’s going to get murdered, isn’t she?  Man.  The Mayor interrupts the romantic motion.

Annie goes on to admit that she is not afraid of the urges that Coooper makes her want. The Mayor interrupts again and Cooper says “I’m beginning to tire of his interruptions” in a way that makes me think he’s going to add “KILL HIM!”  Annie decides to enter the contest (so she can be killed) – Cooper mentions “You’re the Queen.”

Suddenly, the Giant appears, doing what we all at home in our heads are saying to ourselves by telling Cooper “NOOOOOOOO” and waving his hands frantically.

Pete has apparently fallen asleep, awakened only by John’s jet taking off.   Audrey has stayed behind.  That must have been hours of lovemaking.  Also, Audrey must be really sore. Audrey says that love stinks.  Pete offers to take Audrey fishing like John promised.

Meanwhile, Leo and Briggs are having seizures. Earle takes a computer rending of the Glyph, lays it over a map of Twin Peaks and explains that the glyph not only tells the time to be somewhere but the place – it’s a map and time…thing.

Earle laughs.  Cooper kisses Annie.

Shot of that traffic light!

Cafe.

Hallways.

Sherrif’s office.

Phone ringing.

Trees.

OMINOUS.

Bob’s hand seems to be appearing, reaching out in a spotlight.  We see a reflection of the red curtains in a pond?  hurm?

Anyway, back into the spacious and well-lit Owl Cave.  Cooper, Truman, Hawk and Andy find the exposed wall which collapsed because of Windom Earle. Hawk notices tracks, the same tracks he saw outside the power station….Windom tracks! Cooper inexplicably asks Andy to make an accurate, large scale rendering of the petroglyph.  As Cooper looks at this, we transition Windom Earle talking about the White Lodge and Black Lodge to Leo and some other weird guy who looks like he’s from some sort of special camp for bikers….who I think may be Ted Raimi?

This guy pipes up and asks where the bar and party is.  Yeah…I’m guessing this guy is a future corpse.  Which means it is more likely to be Ted Raimi. There seems to be a rendering of the cave glyph on Windom’s ancient computer.

Pete is making some bad poetry about Josie as he looks over a chess board.  Catherine comes in and tells him to shut up.  Awesome.  Catherine wants Pete to open the box Eckhard’s assistant gave her.  She can’t seem to open it.  Ah, it’s a puzzle box, like in Hellraiser.  They are going to open the gates to Hell.  Pete says the puzzle could take years.  Or five seconds with an axe.

Back at the R & R we have Bobby trying to get Shelly to run for Miss Twin Peaks, because he’s got a really stupid theory about attractive people getting whatever they want.  After all the shitty things Bobby has put Shelly through, I don’t know why Shelly is even talking to him.  Seriously.  Bobby orders her to sign up by this afternoon.  She angrily takes the form.

Oh, hey, it’s the Ancient Mayor and Lana, the Black Widow!  She wants to win the Miss Twin Peaks contest by having the Mayor vote for her, as he is one of the judges. He agrees to it, after some dawdling and a lot of sexy talk from Lana.

Cooper comes in happily to see Annie and to get coffee and donuts.  I don’t know if he is more excited to see Annie or to get coffee and donuts.  Oh, then he asks Annie out on a date…a nature study.  She accepts.  He mentions that when he talks to her he gets “A tingling sensation in my toes and my tummy.  I don’t think it has anything to do with coffee.”  Maybe it does, Cooper. Are you aware of the side effects of too much caffeine intake?

Shelly recites some of the poem that Windom Earle sent her, on a whim, and Cooper grows cold.  He asks to see the poem immediately.  She has her portion it in her purse, and explains Audrey, Donna and herself she got it in three pieces. Cooper takes it for safe keeping and gets the donuts and coffee from Annie.

Huh, those are apparently “Donuts Donuts” with the same font as “Dunkin Donuts.”

Bewildered (by the poem, not donuts), Cooper remembers to make his date with Annie, agreeing to meet at the diner at 4pm sharp.

Truman is looking over the portion of the poem, Cooper explains that Windom Earle contacted Shelly, Donna and Audrey.  The poem is one he once sent to Caroline.  Oooh, that’s pretty messed up, Windom.  They have the piece of the poem from Donna (apparently Hawk went and got it) and they can’t get the piece from Audrey as she is in Seattle and won’t be back until tomorrow.  Cooper wants Leo Johnson’s arrest report as a way to “put the pieces together.”  Oooh, cryptic.

Major Briggs is with Andy, who is replicating the petroglyph on the chalkboard.  Major Briggs corrects him on his drawing, which indicates he has seen it before. Cooper comes in to explain that they need Major Briggs to help him with his separate investigations, which he believes in his heart to be all intertwined.  Oooh, spiritual. Cooper wants everything on Windom Earle relating to Project Bluebook from Major Briggs, who demurs this proposal on moral grounds, but if it saves lives he may do it.  Oh, also he’s seen the petroglyph in some sort of dream/vision.  As he looks at it, he has some sort of dream/vision involving men in hoods, and owls, and fire. He agrees to help.

Hawk comes in with Leo Johnson’s arrest report.  Cooper takes it and, in comparing the handwriting to the poem handwriting, deduces that Leo wrote the poem, dictated by Windom Earle.  Connections!

Ben Horne is greeted by Dick, with a nose bandage from his animal mishap.  Ben asks him about his nose. Dick then weasels his way into getting medical expenses paid and “workers comp” saying that he will “alert his attorney” when this is agreed to.  Ben says “Sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering.” Ben then eats a carrot as part of his commitment to good.  Though really, I want him to arrange to have Dick killed.  Evil Ben = more interesting.

Anyway, it appears that Windom is taking the biker and paper mache-ing him into a giant chess piece, which he seems okay with.  He wonders when he’s getting out of the giant chess piece.   Windom tells him “he isn’t” and then readies a crossbow and asks Leo for an arrow.  See, if I was ever asked to be paper mached into a giant chess piece by some guy in a cabin in the woods, I’m pretty sure I’m never leaving that cabin.  Interestingly, Leo refuses to get the arrow.  This makes Windom mad and zaps him.  Leo obeys.  Stupid biker guy doesn’t understand the whole thing.  Windom gives a whole speech about the afterlife before killing the biker.  I’m getting more certain it is Ted Raimi because he seems to pick roles where he dies 90% of the time.

Okay well, committee meeting with Ben Horne.  Oh, Dwayne, the Ancient Mayor, is engaged to be married to the Widow Lara. Ben suggests that Miss Twin Peaks include speeches about how to save their forests. They’ll take it under advisement.  Pete is the only one of the three not in favor.

Bobby, Donna and Shelly are at the same table.  Donna watches Ben leave with suspicion.  I guess what’s going on now is the candidate selection process.  Shelly is nervous, but that’s okay, Bobby will be her speechwriter.  I don’t know how to accurately describe my reaction to this as it’s mostly physical and involves sounds that don’t translate phonetically.

Nadine arrives with Mike to enter the contes. Mike and Bobby have a chat.  Oh that’s right!  They were gay lovers.  I forgot.  Bobby wants to know what the deal is with Mike and Nadine.  Ah, a good question from Bobby for once!  Mike asks what Bobby thinks a combination of superhuman strength and sexual maturity can result in.  My answer: Death. We don’t get to hear what he whispers, but Bobby reacts by yelling then suddenly playing pinball.

Strange montage of petroglyph and Windom Earle.

Okay, now to Catherine who is meeting with Truman as he wants to know more about Josie to understand.  Catherine doesn’t really have answers.  Truman makes a comment that she was very pretty.  Catherine shows him the puzzle box to see if he can open it.  Pete shows up to say that the Miss Twin Peaks contest has some beauties and wonders if Truman can open the box.  They accidentally drop the box, which of course, opens it.  Ahah!  The key to the puzzle was violence!  Just like America.  Inside the box is a box with moon phases and zodiacal symbols.

Cooper is out on the lake for his date with Annie. In talking with Annie, Cooper reveals he already knows she is a Nun.  Interesting. She doesn’t really want to talk about it, but she indicates she came to Twin Peaks to face her fear “where everything went so wrong.”  Ah.  Cooper holds her hands and has a gentle caress of her wrist scar.  That’s very creepy.  Annie indicates it happened before she went to the convent (how messed up would that be if it happened IN the convent?) and because of that boy she dated senior year in High School.  Cooper indicates that something similar happened to him and he thinks he can help her.  I bet he does. Then they kiss.  Oh God is going to be so pissed.  Ominous music as they go back to shore.  Windom Earle is watching them.  Oh, that’s not good for Annie.  Windom definitely now has a “kill boner” for Annie.  What?  ”Kill boner” is a perfectly good term for desperately wanting to kill someone that I just made up.

At the Great Northern, Dick hosts the wine tasting.  Andy and Lucy are there.  Is Lucy ever going to start showing?  Amusing series of moments in which Andy in his ignorance doesn’t follow proper wine tasting procedure.

Ha, we’re back to Cole talking to Shelly over dinner at The Great Northern.  He sees Annie and Cooper together and remarks (loudly) that Twin Peaks seems to be full of beautiful women.  This is true.  Twin Peaks does have a ridiculously high count of very attractive women.  Go to any small town in the Northwest and you will find this is often not the case in reality.  Annie and Cooper join them for pie.  Cole admits his love to Shelly and they kiss, just as Bobby comes in, shouts what the hell is going on, and Cole really nicely shouts him away with “You are witnessing a front three-quarter view of two adults sharing a tender moment!” and kisses Shelly again.  THAT WAS THE BEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES.  I HAVE A NEW GOD AND IT IS GORDON COLE.

Damn, back to Dick instead of minutes of Bobby crying and jumping in front of a bus, where he’s dragged for several miles before dying. Some…stuff happens.  I don’t know.

Anyway, back to Cooper sitting by the fire, drinking…milk?  Billy Zane Wheeler shows up to say that “Love is hell.”  Cooper, in contrast says “The Hindus say ‘love is a ladder to Heaven.’”  Ah, the ol’ “bitter” vs. “infatuated” love contrast. The two men talk some moreabout love, and wish each other luck.  Mr. Wheeler gets a telegram and quickly decides to check out and leave.

Back at the Hayward’s, Donna grills her mom, Eileenm on how she knows Ben Horne.  She’s not answering.  Donna says she’s entering the Miss Twin Peaks contest to win the money and then “study overseas.”  She says this in a spiteful way.

We see the moon, and a hooded robe guy, and some owls.  Then, a police scene.  Cooper shows up.  There’s a giant wooden crate in a gazeebo with a giant ring.  The sign says “pull me.”  Truman and Andy have determined it is not a bomb.  Cooper thinks that Windom Earle has changed up the game (is he going to play Hungry Hungry Hippos now? That would be pretty awesome if he constructed a giant hippo that ate people) and does not know his next move.  Cooper tells everyone to move back.  He ties a rock to some police tape, then to the pull-ring.  He gets far back and shoots the rock off the gazebo railing, opening the box.  I have to admit, that’s pretty smart.

Inside is a giant pawn with the dead biker in it.  The Note reads “Next Time it Will Be Someone You Know.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

Oh yes, it was Ted Raimi as “Heavy Metal Youth.”  HA.

This title sounds like something Meatloaf would be belting out in a dark room with lots of candles behind him.

Starting off, creepy stuffed stag head.  Hurm, there’s a dead person on the ground.  Truman is getting a awakened by a sexy Jones who rubs some something from a magic bottle on his lips and hers.  It makes turn into an illusion of Josie.  Oh, but it’s not Josie! She has a wire and is trying to strangle Truman, but he has his thumb in the way.  Fighting ensues. Truman wins.  I wonder why she just didn’t try to strangle him in his sleep?  Is she just overly-polite?

Well, now to Billy Zane who is looking very nerdy and is doing some sort of experiment with a container with water.  Audrey shows up to give him room service (the food kind, not the sexual kind) and there is lots of flirting.

Truman is back at the jail.  Jones has apparently been interrogated, but she requests the South African consulate.  Oh!  I get it, that’s a country you could come from back in the early 1990′s and be white AND evil.  Truman talks to Cooper about why he would possibly be the target of assassination.  This is the first time Truman is back at work since his long emo-filled bender.

Hey who was that guy I think was dead on the floor at the beginning of the episode?  We gonna get back to that?

Anyway, Cooper provides a “sure-fire hangover cure” – which he describes, and it is insanely complicated and nauseating.  Truman goes to throw up, which was the whole point of Cooper describing nauseating things.  Nice.

After Truman’s barfing, a bonsai is found to be delivered by the late Josie.  On more important matters, Doc Hayward talks about how Windom Earle was at his house.  He gives him the Chess piece with move.

Ah, Gordon Cole and his loudness is here!  He is bringing Cooper the classified Windom Earle dossier.

Oh shoot, it looks like the Bonsai was really from Windom Earle, in it is a microphone that he can listen in on their conversation.

Gordon Cole indicates that in the dossier, when Windom Earle went insane he was on the same drug Mr. Gerard was on, except the FBI thinks he was using the drug to fake his illness.  Also, Earle was apparently involved with Project Blue Book.  There’s an amusing moment as Cole spots the Bonsai, mentions World War II movies, and shouts “Bonzai!” into it, giving Earle a lot of pain.  Cole re-instates Cooper into the FBI and gives him a brand new gun.  Nice…again.

Back with Earle, he asks Leo to pick three cards.  He does so.  Earle reveals three queens with Shelley, Donna and Audrey’s faces attached to each one.  Earle asks Leo to pick again, and he pulls out a King with Dale’s picture on it.  Earle then pulls out a Queen of hearts from behind Leo’s ear.  He then reveals that he has decided that whomever wins the Miss Twin Peaks contest will die, with Cooper getting to watch.

Donna is at the Great Northern in a pink car, following her wheelchaired Mom into the hotel.  She sees her Mom meeting Ben.

Nadine and Mike are checking out of the hotel, with Nadine suggestively sucking on a lollipop.  When asked how the stay was, Mike says “Unbelievable.” My testicles just fell off.

Donna talks to Audrey why her Mom is visiting her Dad, Ben.  In Ben’s office, Donna’s mom (Heidi) has a bunch of old letters in her hands.  Ben is trying to convince her that he’s trying to make up for terrible things.  Ben says that she should have been the best thing that happened to him and tries to hold her.  Audrey and Donna start to listen in from the secret Audrey place.  Heidi says that Ben should stay away from “him” whomever “him” is. Donna is determined to find out what happened.

Back at the R&R Cole starts describing his hangover cure-also nauseating things. Truman goes to barf. Apparently Cooper learned this hangover cure from Cole.  Cole and Cooper sit to have breakfast, and Cole starts talking loudly about Shelly’s beauty, which is awkward.  Cole goes up to try his hand at wooing Shelly (he’s single?) and startles her with his loud voice.  Cole is surprised he can hear Shelly clear as a bell speaking normally.  Log Lady says something about the pie being a miracle and he can’t hear her, to prove his point.

Cooper is sketching symbols on a napkin when he notices a bird outside. Annie confirms to Cooper that his bird is a chickadee.  She comments about how she doesn’t know how to act in normal society but doesn’t reveal she just got out of the convent.  Truman comments about how Cooper must be in love with her since he tries to tell her a joke.  She mentions that the symbol Cooper drew, the combination of Major Briggs’ and the Log Lady’s strange branding, looks like the symbol at Owl Cave.  Hurrrm.  Cooper decides he must see Owl Cave.

At home, Donna gets a postcard from San Francisco from James.  He’s on his way to Mexico. Donna asks her Dad how her Mom knows Ben Horne.  Her Dad says he doesn’t know him very well, and certainly nothing is up.  Flowers arrive for Heidi, no card. Doc Hayward seems to know something is up.

Audrey is getting a book on political science and runs into Windom Earle dressed as a crazy professor.  Again, every time I see him, I instantly know it is him, it’s not a very good disguise.  Why isn’t anyone hiring me for this case?  Anyway, Earle says he is Edward Perkins and teaches poetry.  Audrey shows him the poem from Windom Earle and he asks her to read it.  She reads it very matter-of-factly to him, and he finishes it saying it is the “Verse of Shelly” and Audrey looks very much like a queen.  SINISTER MUSIC.

Annie looks at the Twin Peaks contest flyer, Shelly asks if she’s entering.  Obviously not, she’s a hot nun, NOBODY finds that sexy. Annie asks about Dale Cooper.  Shelly asks if she’s interested because he certainly seems like it.  Annie claims to be not even remotely interested.

Back a the police station, Lucy is surprised to see Andy rappel down from the ceiling in full spelunking gear. Lucy thanks him for helping out with the weasel riot, unlike Dick.  Lucy tells him to be careful as Andy slides blow the desk.

In Truman’s office, Cooper shows up in spelunking gear looking like a member of Devo.  Truman informs him they got the next chess move from Earle.  Apparently Cole has been escorted by Shelly to Doc Hayward’s place to see about his hearing problem.  Yeah he has (innuendo!).

Okay, back to…hunting buffalo cutouts at the Great Northern.  Ben Horne is now giving a speech to Audrey about Jack and Bobby Kennedy.  He brings this up because he believes that Audrey will give Ben “unvarnished” truth.  Also, Ben apologizes for being a horrible dick to Audrey.  Ben is pretty boring not being evil.  Anyway, Audrey has a plane to leave on in an hour to meet with Seattle environmentalists.  Johnny Billy Zane shows up just as this is announced—to break his heart.  Anyway, Audrey leaves and Ben tells John that he is working on how to be good and looks to him for advice.  John tells Ben to always tell the truth, and as an example, he tells him he is falling in love with Audrey.  Ben seems okay with it.  Lots of carrot eating.

Now to the Owl Cave with Cooper, Truman, Hawk, and where Andy looks to be negotiating a treacherous ledge, but is actually having trouble hanging on to a wall. He falls over, as expected.  With that over, we go to the actual exploring of the cave, which…is actually easily walkable and does not seem to need all the climbing equipment that they have.  They find the symbol they are looking for, etched into the wall.  At the top of the symbol is what looks to be fire?  As Cooper looks at it AN OWL LOOKS AT HIM.  Then…one makes a terrifying noise and actually flies in at him. Everyone panics as the owl flies around.  Andy, decides that the best way to get rid of owl is by swinging a pickaxe at it, misses, and hits the “fire” part of the etching where it makes a spark and flame.  ANDY HAS DISCOVERED FIRE.  Then he complains about it being stuck.  Then…part of the symbol comes out.  Of the wall.  Stone starts moving out of the wall.  Then…a tree is behind it?  No, some sort of a stick.  With a symbol. “Coincidence and fate figure largely in our lives,” Cooper says.  That and whatever drugs the writers are taking. Examining the glyph closer, Cooper says “Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.”  Yes, drugs. HORRIBLE OWL SCREECHING OUTSIDE.

Back at the great northern, piano music.  Dinner.  Heather Graham.  She goes to order a drink and is not sure how.  She orders a rum and tonic.  Cooper shows up and starts talking to Diane into a recorder,  he sees Annie and stops his recording and goes up to her.  Annie talks about how everything is so foreign, so new.  Cooper admires that in her.  He also seems to not admire the large wrist scar she has which shows prominently as she reaches for her large glass of rum and tonic (is she trying to make up for lost liver damage?).  Like most women, she notices Cooper staring at her scars and pulls back to hide them. She says she “failed” before and is afraid it might happen again.  Failed at killing yourself, or not killing yourself?  She does not feel like talking about it at the moment.  Cooper offers to help EVER SO SEXILY.  Annie manages to give every awkward reason why he shouldn’t try…that she’s stubborn, and apparently crazy, and…Cooper doesn’t care.  Annie accepts his offer.

Meanwhile, Windom Earle is in the cave.  He is not in disguise as a 1800′s prospector, to my shock. He sees the symbol that Cooper found.  There seems to be an identical symbol on the ceiling. Windom tries to pull out the stick to become King of Crazy England. Oh no, he just turns it to invert the symbol….because he only likes things with evil symbology.  GET HOW EVIL HE IS?  Huh, something starts happening to the wall…it’s collapsing.

EPISODE OVER.

Ah, okay, looks like Truman is going over his times with Josie in a montage, and drinking.  Lots.  Hey!  You know…she’s still alive, just trapped in a drawer knob!  You can remove that drawer and take it home with you.

Hawk has brought Truman a breakfast and tells him how things are going at the station.

Annie, Norma’s Sister Sister comes in. It’s Heather Graham! I wonder if she’s going to kick the crap out of someone with roller skates FOR JESUS.

Ah, Major Stargate is in this episode, eating at the diner.  Haven’t seen him in a while.  The Log Lady shows up for a visit, touching his trefoil mark. We don’t see what happens next as she touches her log.

Back at the station.  Cooper is apparently the senior lawman at the station right now and is trying to get through all the paperwork, especially the autopsy on Josie.  Apparently Doc Hayward can’t figure out why she died and the body weighed 65 pounds.  Slim Fast?  Also, no response from Windom Earle.

Speaking of Earley, we transition to him.  He’s in the cabin…smelling his fingers?  While holding a daisy. He seems to have trained Leo to be his personal slave.  Windom reads the paper for the chess move put within. He quickly gets angry when he realizes he’s playing a stalemate game, knowing it is a trick and grumbles about Cooper getting help.  He gets mad and playes his pipe.  We see his strange knotted ring.

Slow motion Audrey walkin’.  I like this.  In fact, let us just have a whole episode of her walking in slow motion.

Oh geez, Dick is back, it seems like a fashion show is going to go on at the Great Northern.  That reminds me, what about the whole thing with Lucy being pregnant?  Are we going to get back to that?

Oh hey, Squiggy again!

Oh hey, Billy Zane again!

Audrey and John make a date to have a picnic.

Squiggy is having a fight with Dick (note to self: edit this sentence out) over having a stuffed pine weasel present for the charity to save the pine weasel.  See, because that stuffed pine weasel is dead and…oh forget it.

Back to Truman, all drunk.  I’ve noticed he either hasn’t drank much from the whiskey bottle since we last saw him, or has gone to a whole other bottle.  Cooper is there to tell him about Josie’s Interpol dossier.   He lets him know she’s had a string of international felonies and two prostitution arrests. Cooper’s point with all this – it will be easier for him to know that she was a hardened criminal.  Truman gets mad, asks him to leave.

Catherine Martel has a plan.  No, really she has a big plan in front of her!  Blueprints.  The camera comes sneaking in and we reveal Jones, the lady assistant to Mr. Eckhart.  She’s there to expedite Eckhart’s body back to Hong Kong.  Catherine cuts it short by pulling out a gun and asking why she’s really there.  Slowly, Jones gives Catherine a black box from Thomas.  Then she leaves.  WHAT’S IN THE BOX?? (severed heads)

Windom Earl shows up to Donna’s place as “Dr. Gerald Craig” kinda looking like Pete.  He says he is a friend of her father’s.  She lets him on in as she has no common sense.  He makes a lot of charming small talk and gets information from Donna about Donna.   He gives her a gift for her Dad and tells her not to open it.  He also leaves a number of where he is staying.

Meanwhile, Pete is doing some chess stuff, with lots of chess boards.  He’s trying to do a stalemate game without losing pieces, and can’t do it.  Cooper instructs him to protect royalty, especially the Queen, since Windom is not interested in foot soldiers and will get impatient easily.

Andy and Lucy are nearby learning chess.  Andy doesn’t grasp the “L” shape the Knight moves in. Of course he doesn’t.

Major Briggs and the Log Lady come in unexpected.

Log Lady explains to Cooper that the log noticed Briggs’ markings.  She has a marking, similar, but more of a “Twin Peaks” shape that she got after having a similar abduction experience to Briggs.  The light, the call of the owl they experienced, is similar.

Meanwhile, picnic.  Audrey is all falling in love with Billy Zane as he sings to her.  Well, this is a better choice than Bobby.  Not as good as Cooper, but okay.

At the Hayward house, Donna explains to her Dad that “Dr. Craig” showed up, gives him the gift and his number. Doc Hayward explains that Dr. Craig was the name of his college roommate, but he drowned, so he can’t be the real Dr. Craig unless he’s a zombie.  Donna’s Mom calls the number he left.  It’s a cemetery. In the gift is a knight with a a chess move.  Donna realizes she was in real trouble there after the fact. I wonder if she’ll get all stuffed in a golf bag someday?

Side note: are Laura Flynn Boyle’s eyes always watery?  She should get that looked at.

At Ed’s with Dr. Jacoby and Nadine, Ed is trying to explain that he’s getting married to Norma and needs a divorce.  Dr. Jacoby explains this simply, and Nadine indicates she think she’s gone blind in her left eye. You know, the one with the patch on it. Yep, no point in explaining reality to her.  She’s not here.

Back at the Hayward house, Ben Horne gives Donna’s mom a visit, and a loving kiss while Donna secretly watches.  INTRIGUE.

At the R&R, Norma suggests that Shelly run for Miss Twin Peaks.  You know, she could probably win if she wears the waitress outfit.  She looks better in that than her frumpled “about to be taken advantage of” civilian clothes.  Shelly gives a mocking impression of what Miss Twin Peaks would be like.

Windom Earl is there at the diner, dressed poorly as a biker.  I mean, seriously?  Nobody sees through is disguises?  Anyway, he suggests Shelly run for Miss Twin Peaks. Cooper shows up at the diner to read about Tibet and he’s served by Annie, who he does not know but figures out who she is.

Windom Earl is burning holes into Cooper with his eyes from across the diner.  He must expend a lot of energy with all that rage he has.  Actually it would be pretty funny if he died of a heart attack right then, collapsing face-down on the counter.

Cooper notices Annie has a wrist scar as she pours him some coffee which she says she might have made too strong.  ”You made it just right, Annie” Cooper says after having a sip.  Well yeah, I think the only way you can make coffee too strong for Cooper is if you happen to drop rock cocaine in it.

Windom leaves the diner before Cooper notices him and Hawk shows up.

Cooper goes to Truman at the Bookhouse.  Truman has pulled a Hunter S. Thompson and drunkenly torn up the Bookhouse, has whiskey and a gun.  Cooper talks him down and they have a nice moment of emotional bonding with weeping.  After the commercial break, they lay Truman down.  ”A man who doesn’t love easily, loves too much,” Cooper says.  Yes, most stalkers would agree.

Oh God, Nadine and Mike are posing as an out-of-town couple as Mrs. Hinkman getting a room at the Great Northern for the night. Mike’s cover as an older man is almost blown when someone from the High School recognizes him.

In another part of the hotel, Ben has his fundraiser/fashion show to save the pine weasel. Dick is there to host. Lucy is one of the models, awkwardly walking, almost falling over.  Andy is also a model, looking more awkward.  The lighting makes him look like some sort of lumberjack Vulcan.  In the back Audrey is hustling women along.  Catherine shows up to talk to Ben about this whole thing.  Ben indicates he’s totally sincere about saving the pine weasel, and is sincerely reformed.  He finds the only authentic thing is giving and tries to convince Catherine of the same, trying to convince her to write him a check to stop Ghostwood.

Squiggy brings out one of the pine weasels in a cage.  He takes it out of the cage.  It’s adorable.  He makes Dick give him a kiss, and the pine weasel bites him on the nose, and he throws it on a table.  Pandemonium ensues. We get a weasel-eye view as he runs around.  In the tussle, Audrey improbably ends up in Billy Zane’s arms and they kiss.

Now, to…someone I don’t recognize getting knocked out.  Then, a gun is placed next to Ben Horne by Jones.  Then she…takes off her clothes and gets in bed with him.  Hmmmm…okay, not sure about that cliffhanger.  Not really tense.

They keep showing Laura Palmer’s picture at the end, despite this show no longer being about her.

We have returned to Chess, where Windom seems to be taunting Agent Cooper.

Wait did the credits just say “Special Guest Star Billy Zane??”  Is he going to also be a transvestite? Huh, well, again, Pete Martel is called in for his chess knowledge.  Cooper has a moment where he looks at the creepy mask of his dead lover, left to him by Earle.

Back to Pete, he’s serving food to Catherine and makes a silly face with the bacon and eggs which amuses Andrew.  Catherine is not amused. Odd that Andrew is just sitting there in the open as the door opens, considering he’s supposed to be dead.  Josie walks in, sees him, and naturally faints.  Catherine and Walter laugh about her fainting in a “oh, it’s so funny she fainted,” sort of way, which is pretty sociopathic.

Truman is studying over the story on the Asian man (who you remember was KILLED!!) as Hank comes limping in on crutches, accompanied by Hawk (oh, there’s a buddy cop show waiting to happen – Hank & Hawk or Hanksaw!). Anyway,  Hank, who is supposed to be back in prison, is charged with the attempted murder of Leo Johnson, which Hank seems very casual about.  He offers a plea deal for the conviction of who killed Andrew Packard.  Truman isn’t taking it.  Hank suggests he take his deal to reveal who killed Andrew Packard as people won’t like that Truman is sleeping with the murderer.  Hawk “accidentally” knocks Hank’s crutch away, causing him to slam his head against Truman’s desk.  ”Gee, I’m sorry” Hawk says in a way that shows he would do that again in a second. Hank is escorted away.

Albert is up on getting Josie arrested for the attempted murder of Cooper.  Cooper asks him to hold off on that.  Cooper wants to talk to her, get her to confess.  Albert thinks this is a bad idea, as does myself.

Anyway, back to Audrey. She gets some lip from the Great Northern Concierge along the note from Windom Earle which she does not open.  OMG BILLY ZANE SHOWS UP!  Disappointingly he’s not dressed as a woman.  Apparently he owns his own jet, and he remembers Audrey when she played “Heidi” when she was ten.  He also picks up something an old lady drops and returns it to her, just to show how perfect he is.

Audrey opens the letter from Windom Earle.  There’s a request to be at the “Gathering of Angels” at the Roadhouse at 9:30 to save the one she loves.  Now, if I were an attractive young lady, I would definitely not go to a meeting at night written by a strange with a veiled threat.

Back to the Ed house, where he is arranging Nadine’s ceramic stuff.  Nadine shows up to tell Ed that Mike and her are in love and she hopes he’s not hurt.  I’m guessing Ed does not really care.  Nadine says they have to break up and she’s sorry.  I’m guessing Ed is really not caring. Ed = not caring.

Cooper is interrogating Josie about what happened in Seattle.  Josie won’t admit to any wrongdoing.  Cooper requests she show up at the stationhouse by 9 or he will come and find her.  Catherine comes in to gloat and pretend she wasn’t listening in.   She lets Josie know that Mr. Eckhart wants to see Josie alone tonight.  You know, to kill her.  Josie says as much.  More gloating.  Josie is losing her mind.  Catherine, in her own way, suggests that Josie shoot Eckhart, mostly by revealing where a gun is.  Josie takes it and hugs it like a teddy bear.

Man, Josie did some bad things, but really she doesn’t deserve this level of sadism.

Back at the Great Northern.  Ben Horne seems back to a non-crazy sort of sefl, eating healthy, telling Bobby to come to the board meeting.  He seems the Professor Higgins to Bobby’s Eliza Dolittle, except Bobby isn’t as smart.   Billy Zane shows up.  John Wheeler is his name.  Ben asked John to join him on the board.  Apparently John took support from Ben who he turned into a construction empire.  Ben explains how he’s lost the Mill, the Ghostwood lands and they have lost quite a bit of money, but there is…A PINE WEASEL!  Well, a drawing of one (Mustella Pinus is the Latin name) and Ben explains they are endangered and will be wiped out in the Ghostwood development.  So, the Martel development will be fought using the weasel as a weapon.  Afterward, Ben will consider a Senate run.  Yep, back to his old self again.

Back at the R&R cafe, Shelley is back to work. Windom leaves a letter for her as well.   (DAMNIT HAVE I BEEN SPELLING SHELLY’S NAME WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME??) Ah, a pattern is developing here.  Norma is talking to someone coming on the next bus…her sister, who is actually a Sister, as in a Nun. Her name is Annie.  S-H-E-L-L-Y reads the letter.  It has 1/3rd of the poem that Windom wrote and the invitation to come to the Roadhouse at 9:30. Norma rightfully says it is dangerous.  Oh, but it’s Shelly, and she foolishly walks into the rough embrace of danger.

Ed shows up, takes Norma in his arms and asks her to marry him.  They kiss right into the commercial break.

When we come back Leo is whittling in the forest. He seems to be making….rounded sticks.  Not very good crafting there, Leo. Ah, no wait, they are arrow shafts, per Windom’s instruction.

Hank, in jail, is confronted by Norma.  Norma asks for divorce.  Hank is apologetic in his scummy Hank way.  He asks her to get him out of there by giving him an alibi for the night Leo Johnson was shot.  Norma won’t do it.  Good for Norma.  Hank insists on the alibi in exchange for the divorce.  Uh, can’t you just get a divorce if your significant other is put in prison for attempted murder?  I don’t really think they need to consent.  Hank says, in a very charming way, “Go ahead, be his whore, Norma,” (referring to Ed) to which Norma says “I would rather be his whore than your wife.” OH SNAP.  Ed shouts “NOOOOORMA!” and angrily shakes the bars.  This is good, I’m liking this.  Maybe every episode from now on will be Hank’s situation getting worse and worse.  Next week, a horse breaks through the wall, rapes him (new show idea – Hank Rape).

Pete is at the chess board with Cooper and Truman going on and on about chess, and Cooper reminds him (while eating a donut, naturally) that they only have five minutes and he should hurry up. Pete makes one small move, one that he claims should make it so that no piece can be taken for at least five more moves.

Albert urgently needs to talk to Cooper.   He lets him know in the hallway that Josie is super guilty.  Cooper says he will handle it.  Truman looks on from down the hall with a look on his face that lets the audience know that he knows what’s up.

Josie, getting all prettied, is met by a very twistedly jovial Andrew with some champagne.  They talk about how Eckhart got her to try to kill him.  Josie does not know what to do now.  Andrew tells Josie she must confront Vader Eckhart.  He can apparently get her out of this country.  You know, in a pine box.

Out in the forest, James meets Donna.  They have a nice picnic where Donna says she knows about James and Evelyn.  She doesn’t blame James, she blames Evelyn.  Yes, because Evelyn has MAGIC POWERS.  She asks James to come home with her.  James says he can’t…because he’s got to wander around and get into more trouble.  Donna says not to worry about her then.  James asks for her to go with him.  She refuses.  Wouldn’t it suck if Donna got killed by some serial killer?  Like Windom Earle?  Oh, well, off with you, James.

Catherine is at home with Pete when there’s a knock at the door.  Truman asks to see Josie, and Pete says that Josie has taken Catherine’s car and gone off to the Great Northern to meet Eckhart.  Truman dashes off.

Back at the Great Northern, Andrew surprises Eckhart and assures him that he is not a ghost  Hey, if I was him, I wouldn’t do that – I would do everything to make him think I was a ghost.  You know, lots of white makeup, chains, moaning, some Gwar playing on a portable music device, it would be awesome.  Enough though, in our uncool reality, Andrew explains that he survived because Josie warned him, betraying Eckhart. Ah, someone is getting set up. Andrew goes on to say how Josie is a horrible twisted heartbreaker.  Andrew pretty much says “go ahead and kill Josie” to Eckhart without saying it.

Ben, Audrey and John are having a dinner.  John apparently resurrects failing businesses and sells them at a substantial profit.  Also he does significant environmental reforms. Ben suddenly has to leave when a waiter whispers in his ear, casually saying “You’ll have to excuse me, the Chef just tried to stab Jerry.”  Oh Twin Peaks, I’m sure we will never hear of this incident again.  Audrey is suspicious of John’s motives, saying that the Horne family does not need his help.  Then they have a moment where Audrey gets all starry-eyed over him and has to leave. Billy Zane has weird eyes.

Okay, at the Roadhouse. Donna, Shelly and Audrey meet up and realize they were all invited there. Seriously, ladies, wouldn’t you all suggest at this point you get the hell out of there? Well, they don’t, they stay and they put their poem together and read it.  Windom looks at them all in hiding, dressed as a trucker.

You know, whatever disguise Windom wears, his huge eyebrows kinda gives it away.  He should really hide those better.

Back at the Great Northern, Cooper looks silly as he practices his casting with some orange yarn thing in his room.  He gets a call from Catherine letting him know Eckhart is there.  Cooper  gets his gun and goes to the suite. He hears a fight, then a gunshot.  Gun drawn, he finds Josie apparently dead on the bed and Eckhart next to him. Then Eckhart gets up and…oh, Eckhart got shot.  He falls and dies.  Josie gets up, with her gun out, pointed at Cooper.  Cooper asks why she shot him.  Josie’s explanation is that because “he came here.”  Oh, there’s a dirty joke waiting to be told!  Truman shows up with his gun drawn.  He tells Josie to put it down in a manner that doesn’t calm anyone.  Josie says she never meant to hurt Truman, crying.  Then Josie…wills herself to just DIE?  Okay, yes, she just dies there with Truman holding her.  She’s dead.

Uh, then they both disappear, replaced by a spotlight and Bob crawling out from behind the bed shouting “COOP, WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSIE”  Ah yes, only Cooper can see this.  The dwarf returns, dancing on the bed.  There’s something in the drawer.  It’s…AAAH, it’s Josie stuck in the…wooden drawer handle?  WHAAA

WHAAAAAAAA

Start off this episode with a chess set.  An ominous chess set.  With slow motion footage and ominous music.  It’s like the chess set of the Devil.  Wait..this one is directed by Diane Keaton?  THE Diane Keaton, of Annie Hall fame?

Ah, back with the Widow Marsh, where her and her not-brother seem to be pinning the unfortunate Jaguar accident of Mr. Marsh on James.  The patrolmen leave, walking in unison because that’s just the sort of crazy thing that happens in this world.

At Wallie’s Hideout, we see James and Donna sneaking by a series of Cops smoking cigars with their backs to them.  Donna says they are going to need help with this.  Ed could be a source of help. James says Ed won’t help and he should talk to Ms. Marsh. Some random guy says “You sure?” and walks off.  Ah, thanks random “voice of the audience” guy. Donna looks hurt and decides to call Ed.  She’s in the middle of the call with Ed when a patrolman walks by and she has to pretend to be talking to someone else.  James, playing with a cocktail umbrella (callback to Dr. Jacoby?) hides his face.

Back at the Sheriff’s office, Bobby and Shelly are talking to Sheriff Truman about the Attack of the Leo.  Bobby wants to know why he was over at Shelly’s.  Ah, right, he doesn’t know they are a couple…a really dysfunctional couple, but a couple. Cooper looks intently at a chess set and asks “Bobby, where were you the night the Mill burned?” Rightly, Cooper is inquiring if Bobby shot Leo.  Bobby says he was at Shelley’s house, and recalls that Hank Jennings shot him through the window, preventing Leo from burying an axe in Bobby’s head (to my dismay) which is actually the truth.  Shelly has no idea where Leo is and has her arm in a sling.  Did she actually break her arm?  Truman is going to assign deputies to Shelley.  Bobby doesn’t want to have the Deputies.  Bobby claims that he alone can take care of Shelley.  Truman is a competent lawman so he refuses this stupid, idiotic request. He then shoots Bobby in the head.

Ah, Albert arrives, embracing Harry with glee this time, and welcoming Cooper.  He’s back in Twin Peaks because of Windom Earle.  Orders from Gordon Cole.   Windom Earl has been sending articles of clothing to police locations throughout the Midwest and South, making a “C” shape on the map.  Cooper recognizes them all as Caroline’s outfits.  Ah, hence the “C” shape.  With the vagrant, Windom Earle apparently carefully waited for the rigor mortis to go through stages so he could shape body to point at one particular chess piece.  Albert has a moment with Cooper where he says that the plaid flannel shirt he is wearing is “Fashion Suicide” but at the same time, “works.”

Speaking of Earle, we go back to his creepy house, where he is playing some sort of flute which makes an oddly synthesized noise, and dances around like Pan in full body pajamas to the resting Leo.  Oh man, is this going to devolve into a porn?  Windom Earle reads off Leo’s rap sheet and then pins him as he tries to leave.  He wants Leo to obey him.  He puts a collar on Leo.  It’s a shock collar he can operate by remote, like that “agonizer” on Star Trek.

Ed is talking to Norma in bed.  They are talking about years and years of regret and the self-punishment they put on themselves by not being together, apparently going so far as to buy each other presents for Christmas that they never gave to each other.  Well, good to see they are working past this highly depressing past of theirs.  Are they going to be murdered in a second?  Ah, Nadine comes in, ripping to door off the hinges. Ed decides now is the time to talk to her.  Oh, wait, maybe he is going to be murdered.

Nadine doesn’t even seem to care, she gets into bed next to them just talks about how she got disqualified from the wrestling finals for an airplane spin.  She apologizes to Norma for beating up Hank. Nadine admits she’s okay with Ed and Nadine because she has a thing going with Mike.  Oh, okay, so crazy love logic wins the day!

Now back to Josie in her Maid’s outfit having a freak out as Cooper and Truman say that she has to talk about the incident in Seattle.  Where an ASIAN MAN WAS KILLED!!  Cooper gets up to get more coffee as Truman and Josie have a moment.  Pete comes in with a bunch of dry cleaning to help Josie out.  Cooper takes the time to take a hair fiber from the laundry while Pete goes into the next room to get the phone.  It’s for Josie.  It’s Thomas!  He has dark dark glasses because he’s the Devil. Catherine jumps on the line to make her presence known and hangs up.  Thomas whips off his glasses in anger, and apparently he wears glasses because he is really hung over?  Or has pink eye?  Seriously, those eyes need some looking at.  He speaks to his assistant in…some slavic language.  Maybe Russian.

Ben Horne is on a stuffed donkey in his office with a man in full indian headdress, taking his Civil War fetish to an extreme. There are drummers in the office.  Audrey and Jerry talk to Dr. Jacoby about his prognosis.  Jerry discusses with Audrey in private that there may be some advantages to Ben being crazy and Audrey lets Jerry know she gets control of the estate if he is incapacitated.  Oooh, Power Audrey. She is determined to fix her father.  Dr. Jacoby suggests an “Apomattox Scenario.” Ah, okay, so end the Civil War, then Ben gets back to sanity.  Bobby is there in a confederate soldier garb, blows his trumpet badly and a terrible rendition of “Dixie” is sung.

Back to the bar, after hours, where the Widow Marsh shows up.  Donna comes to confront her.  Ms. Marsh is all drunk and sassy.  Donna is passionate and teary eyed.  Donna is threatened by the Not-Brother, telling her to get lost or he’ll kill her.

Wind.  Trees.  Chess piece.

Albert lets Cooper know that the fiber sample he took from Josie’s coat matches the fiber sample taken from the scene of his shooting. Also, Josie seems to match the artists profile of the murderer of the Asian Man!! in Seattle.  Bullets in the Asian Man!! match the bullets that Cooper got hit with.  Looking bad for Josie. Cooper says not to mention one word of this to Truman until he is certain.

Back with Truman, who lets Cooper know that the dead transient was named Powell, coincidentally Caroline’s maiden name. No relation.  Cooper lets us all know that when Windom takes a piece from the chess board, someone dies.  Also Cooper has never beat him.  This must mean dozens of people are dead?  I mean, really, unless Cooper is losing by a Fool’s Mate each time, we’re talking about mass slaughter.  Anyway…good news, everyone! There’s a chess expert in Twin Peaks…and it’s Pete.  Of course it’s Pete, because the strangely aloof man who loves fishing would be an expert in chess. Right?  I mean, it’s so obvious.

Pete shows his skill by beating three people at once at the R&R.  Shelley shows up to talk to Norma in the diner as she is polishing a giant fake ice-cream cone.  Shelley wants her old job back even though she has a broken arm.  Truman needs to talk to Norma about how Hank will be going to jail once he gets out of the hospital because he tried to kill Leo Johnson…and about 327 other felonies.

Back at the Packard Place, Josie opens the door only to Thomas Eckhart, with a very Elton-John-esque bow tie on.  Catherine apparently invited him to her place for dinner. Oh, that’s messed up, especially when she has Josie serve them.  Ultra messed up, they Catherine discusses with Thomas the possession of Josie, in a trade.

In her house, Evelyn looks really wasted, blowing smoke rings.   James shows up to confront her.  Evelyn admits the frame with Malcolm for the money.   Oh, and she had moments she wanted him.  Oh, and James kisses her and gets hit on the back of the head with the butt off of a gun by Malcolm.  Malcolm tells Evelyn about how they are going to make it look like James broke in and she shot him dead.  See James?  See how going to Ed for help would have been the better solution here?  Ah, maybe not as you may be dead in a minute.

Well, back to Ben’s crazy Civil War fantasy, which is being played out with full theatrical regalia.  Audrey and Jerry are dressed up as daughter and father in period garb.  For some reason there is a spotlight and a set, and lots of wheat. Jacoby shows up as General Grant to surrender the North. Bobby comments that he thought the North won the Civil War.  Audrey smacks him in the face, then snaps his neck like a stalk of celery.  Jacoby signs the articles of surrender to Jerry’s weird harmonica playing.  Once this is done, Ben collapses and comes back to reality.  He, like all cliched crazy people, come to saying he had the strangest dream.  Everyone welcomes him back.  He is unaware what everyone is doing in the Civil War outfits.  Everyone laughs at his psychotic amnesia.

Well back to Windom Earle who is putting on a disguise, instructing Leo to write.  Leo can’t seem to do it correctly, so he corrects him with the shock collar.  So I guess Leo can threaten Shelley but is still mentally damaged.   Windom looks at a picture of three ladies, Donna, Shelley and Audrey.  Windom asks “Which one shall be my queen?”  Oh, well, if we’re talking about chess, this is not good for any of them.

Back to the prone James.  Malcolm is instructing Evelyn on the murder setup they are getting around to doing just now.  Really, how long has it been between scenes?  This is some procrastination.  Donna happens to see the two of them planning the murder of James.   Donna’s clever scheme to stop them is to simply run in and shout “JAMES! JAMES!  DON’T HURT HIM ANYMORE!” She is somehow not murdered.  Evelyn gets the gun and she has to decide between Malcolm and his murder scheme and Donna’s begging.  She decides she can’t go through with the murder scheme.  Malcolm insists and she shoots him.  While he dies, Evelyn quickly starts coming up with a story out-loud about how he was crazy and came back to kill her.  Oh, and he killed Mr. Marsh as well I guess.  EVERYTHING SOLVED.

Back at the Great Northern.  Cooper is looking at a picture of Caroline in his wallet and just misses Windom Earle in disguise coming out of the elevator. He drops off an envelope for Audrey Horne with a bad foreign accent. He also sees an owl postcard and says “Owls!” and takes one.  SYMBOLISM.

Cooper returns to his room, looks over his hanging suit.  Ominously, he finds a mask with glowing eyes in his bed.  When he picks it up, the voice of Windom Earle plays, talking about Caroline, about how “he still loves her” and…”IT’S COOPER’S MOVE.”

DUN DUN DUN